POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

 

POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

Article 3 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

This study throws up some interesting data about men, though not very surprising. We wanted to know a bit more about the man who enter into polygamous marriage. We could get the data about the men through the wives whom we interviewed. It would have been interesting to talk to men but that is the limitation of this study that we could not speak to them directly. So all information about the men are through the wives.

Age

A small percentage (9%) were married before the age of 21. But a majority of husbands (59%) were 21–30 years old, a typical age range for first marriages. Only a small proportion were very young, which is less than 21 years or older than 40. Most husbands (74%) were 21–30 years old, reflecting typical age alignment in first marriages. Very few husbands were older than 40 (1%), indicating first marriages mostly involve younger men.

A larger proportion of husbands were older (31–40 years: 46%; above 41: 10%) in second marriages. Only 3% were below 21 years, and 40% were 21–30 years. This suggests second marriages often involve older husbands, possibly due to remarriage after divorce or widowhood.

First marriages involve younger husbands (21–30 years) predominantly. Second marriages involve older husbands (31–40 and above), reflecting age differences and remarriage patterns. This may indicate greater age disparity in second marriages, which could have social and economic implications.

Education

A majority of husbands (60%) have education only up to 10th standard or below. This includes 21% with no schooling and 16% below Std 7th, suggesting widespread limited formal education among men in polygamous marriages.

Around 19% completed Std 10–12, showing some presence of secondary education but not enough to mark higher educational achievement.

Only 16% of men attained undergraduate or higher degrees, indicating that polygamy cuts across lower-education groups predominantly.

The first wives’ husbands are slightly more represented in the “Std 7th–10th” category (25%) compared to second wives’ husbands (21%), implying that first marriages may occur earlier or with slightly better-educated men. The education gap between first and second wives’ husbands is minimal, showing similar socio-educational backgrounds across both marriages.

About 2–3% of women did not know their husband’s education — possibly due to communication gaps or secrecy in marital contexts, especially among second wives.

The data suggests a correlation between low male education levels and polygamous practices. Lower education often links to traditional gender norms, economic instability, and social acceptance of multiple marriages.

Income

A majority of husbands (around 66%) had an income below ₹20,000 per month at the time of marriage. This reflects that polygamous marriages are most prevalent among lower-income groups.

6% (133 men) had income below 1,000 or no income at all — indicating marriages occurring even when men were financially unstable or dependent. Such marriages may rely on family support or informal work, suggesting economic vulnerability at the household level.

Around 34% of the husbands fell in this range 10,000–20,000 showing a slight upward mobility, but still within the lower-middle-class segment. These income levels likely correlate with daily wage, small business, or service sector jobs.

Only 17% of husbands earned ₹20,000 or above, highlighting limited participation of affluent men in polygamous marriages. However, among second wives, a slightly higher proportion (23%) belonged to the ₹20,000+ bracket, suggesting that some better-earning men contract second marriages.

First wives were generally married to men with lower income ranges (5,000–15,000). Second wives show a slightly higher income distribution, particularly in the 20,000–40,000 and above 40,000 categories. This might imply that men remarry after financial improvement or use higher income to justify/afford a second marriage. 17% of women did not know their husband’s income, showing lack of financial transparency, especially in patriarchal setups or marriages with unequal communication and power dynamics.

BMMA’s study has been with women from poor segment of the Muslim society. As we saw in the above data, men in polygamous marriages are also often young, low-income and less educated. What possibly could be the reasons for men to still enter another marriage which in some way also increases their stress and responsibility.

Men who marry young often do not have a choose their partner. His partner is decided by the family. In the Muslim community, in some groups, first-cousin marriages are common. Caste, sect, class considerations also matter. The parents think it is their sole right to decide the marriage partner for their son. As we saw earlier, 59% married between 21-30. In our experience in the communities, we find that a large majority are married before 25 years of age. This age does not warrant financial independence. We saw earlier that 66% earned below 20,000 at the time of their marriage. With lack of emotional maturity, lack of financial resources and not much of education to back up [60% upto 10^th class or below] and neither employable skills, early marriage for men also does no good. Men this young mostly join their father’s business or join family business as runners or side supporter. They learn the tricks of the trade while the family supports him and his wife. This also increases their dependence on the dowry that the wife brings in. Most often the expenses of the wedding are also borne by the girls’ family. Since mostly the choices are imposed by the parents, when the time comes for the husband to take a partner of his choice, he does not hesitate. Since the first one is not of his choice, he also tends to neglect his responsibility towards her. This reflects also a limited exposure to gendered understanding, lack of honest and open communication with parents, lack of exposure to the world outside and hence other possibilities.

Boys in the Muslim communities, as in all other communities, grow up to feel entitled to the privileges that come with being a male species. There is a defiance of sorts where he believes he can do what he wants. Understanding of marriage as a partnership of two people, of love and care, of understanding and adjustments is absent. Instead, is a toxic masculinity that only understands controlling women. She must obey him, look after his parents, obey them as well and generally behave like a glorified servant. Close to 40% men have justified second marriage simply by reiterating the sanction by religion, without knowing the context in which it was sanctioned and with total disregard to the ethical framework of Islam which requires women-men relationships to be governed by love, care, peace and kindness. It is like saying, ‘since I can do it, let me do it’. Not having a law prohibiting second marriage is like an added incentive. It is the inability to see the woman as a human being, as someone who thinks and feels and has an opinion. The understanding that women are sub human and are only meant to follow orders like a robot just makes it easier and guilt free.

Seen from the data that men give more mehr to the second wife, it does not deter them to have a second wife. He also gets less dowry. But still prefers to go ahead with an added responsibility. That is also because the first wife responsibility is washed off his hands. Again data shows first wife starts to depend on her parents for survival. So, it is not that his responsibility is increasing. In fact, he ensures that his one responsibility goes away so that he takes the second one.

Marriage registration is a weak area in our country. There is no accountability. Marriage then becomes a private affair. There is no need to disclose, make it formal and legal. There is also no shame attached to second marriage. In fact, it is like a badge of honour.

There is a need to reach out to men with the objective of inculcating in them a gendered perspective. Can we begin a process where they are able to reject the toxicity attached to being a man? Can we do something to make them more human, more sensitive, more vulnerable? Can we make them see women as human beings, as a thinking and feeling person and not a robot? A big demand but the time has come. Polygamy is not just a religious issue, it is about patriarchy, it is about women’s rights, it is about being human, it is about education and awareness and assertion of a woman’s legal and constitutional rights.