WHO SUPPORTS THE HUSBAND FOR
POLYGAMY
Article 7
based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808
Marriage is not an individual affair in India. It
is a family project where the family probably lands up playing a more important
role than the couple itself. In the study we tried to understand the
perspective of both, the first and second wife, as to the locus of the support
that the husband received.
From the first wife’s perspective, the largest
share (36.2%) of women said that their husbands received no support from anyone
for the second marriage. This indicates that a significant number of men acted independently,
driven by personal motives or desires rather than family or social influence.
However, nearly two-thirds (63.8%) of husbands did
receive support, suggesting that social and familial endorsement plays a major
role in sustaining polygamy.
Among supporters, the mother’s role is most
prominent (22.8%) — showing that maternal influence and possible cultural
acceptance within families contribute significantly. Friends (16.3%) also
emerge as a major encouraging group — possibly normalizing or even facilitating
the second marriage. Fathers and siblings (12.9% each) together form another
quarter of supporters, indicating that immediate family often condones or
assists in remarriage decisions. Others (25.7%) — may include community
members, religious figures, or extended relatives — pointing to broader social
reinforcement.
Interestingly, only 2% of first wives said they
themselves supported their husband’s second marriage, a very small fraction,
possibly driven by social pressure, guilt, or religious obligation.
The data shows that while a segment of men chose
polygamy without explicit external support, the majority operated within
enabling social structures. Mothers and friends are central figures in this
support network, reflecting internalized patriarchal attitudes that justify or
even encourage men’s remarriage. The fact that over one-third faced no
opposition underscores a lack of accountability and social permissiveness
toward men’s decisions to remarry. Overall, the findings suggest that polygamy is
not merely an individual choice but often a collectively upheld practice,
reinforced by family and community complicity.
From the second wife’s perspective, mothers again
emerge as the strongest supporters of their son’s remarriage [44%]. In this
case father is not to be left behind. 40% fathers support polygamy of his son.
both parents have a strong role to play. Though lesser than in the case of
first wife’s perspective, 26% of the husbands acted out of their own volition
without any support from anyone. Peer influence has a larger role to play [23%]
from the second wife’s perspective. Friends, close cousins play a significant
role in encouraging the second marriage. Relatives, community leaders, extended
family also approve or atleast do not show disapproval. Polygamy is legitimized
and normalized and hence becomes an easy option for men.
The data indicates that second marriages are rarely isolated choices;
instead, they are socially endorsed
acts, heavily influenced by family
elders and peer groups.
This suggests that cultural and
familial acceptance of polygamy continues to sustain the
practice, even when it may lead to emotional distress for the first wife and
complex family dynamics.
It is disheartening to see
mother’s playing a significant role in encouraging polygamy. We see mothers of
sons and daughters pushing their son or daughter into a second alliance. How
deep rooted is patriarchy that polygamy is normalized and internalized by women
to such a significant extent.
From a psychological
perspective, our beliefs, thoughts, ideologies are already formed by the time
we are 10 years of age. They become part of our sub conscious and impact our
entire life unless we consciously challenge them. We are driven by our beliefs.
They are our default mechanism that determine our daily transactions. They are
deeply entrenched and feel very normal and natural. Women through generations
have been socialised into believing that men are superior and always in
authority. Right from infancy, women see their father, grand father, uncles,
brothers wielding unchecked authority. Women take that as normal. A man’s
existence, his needs, his authority are to be taken as natural and given. What
men do is right is a deeply entrenched belief carried by women through generations.
She sees her insubordinate status as a given, natural, to be simply accepted.
Her existence, status, support are all tied to her son. She supporting him is
equal to she supporting herself. The son-preference in our society has deep
roots. It is a bond that goes beyond healthy. It can erase your identity as a
woman, as a human being too when you support bride burning for dowry, for
instance. She gains her power through her son and whatever works for her son
works for her.
All violence against women have
been normalized through patriarchal socialization. It works in favour of men
but through the agency of women. Women also in the process normalize their own
suffering. It is how it has been or how it should be – is the mantra.
Compromise, sacrifice, adjust are the instructions she receives as a child. She
is secondary, invisible, unimportant and hence what happens to her is also not
something that should warrant anyone’s attention.
Women are probably more sensitive
to religious cultural conditioning. They are also entrusted with this job and
hence feel it is their responsibility to uphold traditions or atleast not
challenge them. The conditioning reduces the capacity to question or challenge
discriminatory practices. They have been deemed right by religion and if you
question that then you are not a good Muslim. That is too much of a burden to
carry. It carries social exclusion and even extermination from the community.
So woman supporting polygamy
either as a mother or the first or the second wife is an indication of deep,
layered and invisible patriarchy. Here women lends up protecting and promoting
the very systems that that discriminate against her. She is then no longer a
woman but a torch bearer of patriarchy. That is the triumph of patriarchy.
