IMPACT OF POLYGAMY ON RELATIONSHIP

 

IMPACT OF POLYGAMY ON RELATIONSHIP

Article 8 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

We looked at the impact which the first wives felt on their relationship. 54% of the husbands stopped living with their wives. This indicates severe marital breakdown where more than half of husbands are physically and emotionally absent in the relationship after the second marriage. They are just not there. When a person is not around physically what can a woman do? She is then forced to manage her life and the lives of the children. She just does not have any choice.

28% spend less time with their first wife. It reflects partial breakdown, emotional neglect and reduced companionship. A couple in a marital relationship are suppose to be there for each other. There is no room for one more relationship. And if that happens the neglect begins. The time is divided and so is the attention. There is one more person who has an equal right over the husband’s time. The first wife did not bargain for this. Reduction in time spent also conveys that she is not important to him anymore.

25% reported increased fights between them. It suggests heightened conflict, insecurity and emotional strain. With husband not staying with the first wife or spending less time with her also indicates more friction and conflict. The increased fights impact her mental and physical health. It also must be impacting the husband’s mental and physical health but then it is of his own doing. Obviously, children are not spared. 20% of the husband neglected the children. It points to broader family impact, the husband’s divided attention affected parenting and children’s well-being. A child’s trajectory in life is highly influenced by its parent’s life. And the damage can be long lasting.

Wives Economic Dependency

First wives tend to face greater financial vulnerability after their husband’s second marriage. A large proportion, 40%, rely on their parents, and only 19% continue to receive maintenance from their husbands. About 34% were compelled to start working, indicating a shift toward economic self-reliance driven by necessity rather than choice. A small fraction (11%) depends on community aid from jamaat or masjid, underscoring a lack of formal support systems.

Second wives, on the other hand, are generally more financially supported by their husbands, 63.3% receive maintenance from them. Around 34.1% are employed, showing a similar participation in work as first wives but likely with more stability. Only 3.9% report having no source of maintenance, much lower than first wives.

Overall, the figures reveal that first wives experience a significant economic setback after polygamy, often becoming dependent or entering the workforce out of compulsion, while second wives tend to receive more consistent financial support from their husbands. This pattern points to an unequal distribution of resources and responsibilities between the two marriages.

Monthly Maintenance by the Husband  

The data shows that financial neglect is widespread among both first and second wives, but the burden falls more heavily on first wives. 40% of women (1,011 total) receive no maintenance at all, with first wives forming the majority (793). 23% say their husbands buy household items instead of giving cash — a form of control that limits women’s financial autonomy.

Only 32% receive regular cash maintenance, and within this group, most receive very small amounts: 5% below ₹2,000/month, 4% between ₹2,000–₹4,000 and only 6% receive more than ₹10,000/month. Second wives are more likely to receive moderate to higher levels of maintenance, while first wives dominate the “no maintenance” category.

The findings reflect deep economic inequality between first and second wives and show that a large proportion of women—especially first wives—lack consistent financial support, underscoring systemic neglect and dependence within polygamous marital arrangements.

Maintenance of Children  

Among the 1,419 first wives surveyed, nearly half (45%) reported that their husbands did not provide maintenance for their children after the second marriage. This data indicates that a substantial number of men discontinue financial responsibility toward children from their first marriage once they remarry. The lack of maintenance not only deepens the economic insecurity of the first wife but also affects the well-being and stability of the children, highlighting a critical gap in accountability and social support mechanisms for first families in polygamous contexts.

When wives do not receive maintenance from the husband for themselves or their children, the impact is often deep, long-lasting, and affects nearly every aspect of life. The consequences are not only economic, but also emotional, social, physical, and psychological.

A woman’s economic insecurity increases. She begins to struggle for basic needs like food, rent, medicines, school expenses, bills etc. Since husbands also stop living with their first wife [54%], she is forced to take up immediate work, borrow from family or sell or mortgage jewellery. The children shift to a cheaper school or drop out and join the work force at a tender age. The girls could be married off early and boys join the labour force. There could be a sudden drop in the economic status. It is worthwhile to remember that respondents in this study, when they got married, were economically, educationally and age wise already very vulnerable. Added to this vulnerability is this economic abandonment by the husband.  Women who were financially dependent on the husband may suddenly face extreme poverty.

Constant financial stress leads to anxiety, helplessness, vulnerability and extreme fear about the current and future situations. There is loss of dignity having to ask for money and facing probable humiliation and loss of face.

To tide over the financial crisis, women land up skipping meals, delay their medical treatment and focus on feeding the children and thus get reduced to a survival mode. She suddenly becomes the only source of sustenance for herself and the children. Every responsibility suddenly falls on her and she is not even prepared for it. Searching for work for which she is suited and skilled can be cumbersome along with taking care of self, family and especially children. Working suddenly may take her time away from social and family events. She may be forced to continue in an abusive marriage because she has no option. Whatever little she might get from her husband is all that she gets. She may also not be in a position to file police complaint or file a case in the court. This would require long term financial inputs which she being in a survival mode cannot afford. Lack of money is not just impacting her current financial status but creates intergenerational poverty from which generations might suffer.

It is truly sad how two families suffer generationally. 29% (312 women) said their husband abandoned them and went back to the first wife. Nearly one in three second wives report being abandoned by their husband, who returned to his first marriage. This indicates that second marriages often lack long-term stability and security for women. While most second wives (71%) continue in the relationship, a significant 29% experience abandonment—leaving them vulnerable both emotionally and economically, especially since many lack legal protection or consistent maintenance. The convenience is only of the husband here. Wherever and whenever he finds it convenient, he moves to that family. He has all the choices.

 

 

WHO SUPPORTS THE HUSBAND FOR POLYGAMY

 

WHO SUPPORTS THE HUSBAND FOR POLYGAMY

Article 7 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

Marriage is not an individual affair in India. It is a family project where the family probably lands up playing a more important role than the couple itself. In the study we tried to understand the perspective of both, the first and second wife, as to the locus of the support that the husband received.

From the first wife’s perspective, the largest share (36.2%) of women said that their husbands received no support from anyone for the second marriage. This indicates that a significant number of men acted independently, driven by personal motives or desires rather than family or social influence.

However, nearly two-thirds (63.8%) of husbands did receive support, suggesting that social and familial endorsement plays a major role in sustaining polygamy.

Among supporters, the mother’s role is most prominent (22.8%) — showing that maternal influence and possible cultural acceptance within families contribute significantly. Friends (16.3%) also emerge as a major encouraging group — possibly normalizing or even facilitating the second marriage. Fathers and siblings (12.9% each) together form another quarter of supporters, indicating that immediate family often condones or assists in remarriage decisions. Others (25.7%) — may include community members, religious figures, or extended relatives — pointing to broader social reinforcement.

Interestingly, only 2% of first wives said they themselves supported their husband’s second marriage, a very small fraction, possibly driven by social pressure, guilt, or religious obligation.

The data shows that while a segment of men chose polygamy without explicit external support, the majority operated within enabling social structures. Mothers and friends are central figures in this support network, reflecting internalized patriarchal attitudes that justify or even encourage men’s remarriage. The fact that over one-third faced no opposition underscores a lack of accountability and social permissiveness toward men’s decisions to remarry. Overall, the findings suggest that polygamy is not merely an individual choice but often a collectively upheld practice, reinforced by family and community complicity.

From the second wife’s perspective, mothers again emerge as the strongest supporters of their son’s remarriage [44%]. In this case father is not to be left behind. 40% fathers support polygamy of his son. both parents have a strong role to play. Though lesser than in the case of first wife’s perspective, 26% of the husbands acted out of their own volition without any support from anyone. Peer influence has a larger role to play [23%] from the second wife’s perspective. Friends, close cousins play a significant role in encouraging the second marriage. Relatives, community leaders, extended family also approve or atleast do not show disapproval. Polygamy is legitimized and normalized and hence becomes an easy option for men.

The data indicates that second marriages are rarely isolated choices; instead, they are socially endorsed acts, heavily influenced by family elders and peer groups.
This suggests that cultural and familial acceptance of polygamy continues to sustain the practice, even when it may lead to emotional distress for the first wife and complex family dynamics.

It is disheartening to see mother’s playing a significant role in encouraging polygamy. We see mothers of sons and daughters pushing their son or daughter into a second alliance. How deep rooted is patriarchy that polygamy is normalized and internalized by women to such a significant extent.

From a psychological perspective, our beliefs, thoughts, ideologies are already formed by the time we are 10 years of age. They become part of our sub conscious and impact our entire life unless we consciously challenge them. We are driven by our beliefs. They are our default mechanism that determine our daily transactions. They are deeply entrenched and feel very normal and natural. Women through generations have been socialised into believing that men are superior and always in authority. Right from infancy, women see their father, grand father, uncles, brothers wielding unchecked authority. Women take that as normal. A man’s existence, his needs, his authority are to be taken as natural and given. What men do is right is a deeply entrenched belief carried by women through generations. She sees her insubordinate status as a given, natural, to be simply accepted. Her existence, status, support are all tied to her son. She supporting him is equal to she supporting herself. The son-preference in our society has deep roots. It is a bond that goes beyond healthy. It can erase your identity as a woman, as a human being too when you support bride burning for dowry, for instance. She gains her power through her son and whatever works for her son works for her.

All violence against women have been normalized through patriarchal socialization. It works in favour of men but through the agency of women. Women also in the process normalize their own suffering. It is how it has been or how it should be – is the mantra. Compromise, sacrifice, adjust are the instructions she receives as a child. She is secondary, invisible, unimportant and hence what happens to her is also not something that should warrant anyone’s attention.

Women are probably more sensitive to religious cultural conditioning. They are also entrusted with this job and hence feel it is their responsibility to uphold traditions or atleast not challenge them. The conditioning reduces the capacity to question or challenge discriminatory practices. They have been deemed right by religion and if you question that then you are not a good Muslim. That is too much of a burden to carry. It carries social exclusion and even extermination from the community.

So woman supporting polygamy either as a mother or the first or the second wife is an indication of deep, layered and invisible patriarchy. Here women lends up protecting and promoting the very systems that that discriminate against her. She is then no longer a woman but a torch bearer of patriarchy. That is the triumph of patriarchy.

 

LOVE AND RELIGION - REASONS GIVEN FOR POLYGAMY

 

LOVE AND RELIGION - REASONS GIVEN FOR POLYGAMY  

Article 6 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

A quick look at the percentages show that 6% of wives unaware of the remarriage reflects lack of transparency and possible emotional or physical separation even before the second marriage occurred.

31% said they loved someone else. Which confirms our earlier analysis that the first marriage was not based on love but may be force of the parents and their decision. We also saw earlier that 26% married within the first 3 years of marriage indicating that the moment opportunity came he remarried the person whom he loved in the first place. And they also tell this to their first wife. One can imagine as a woman being told by the husband that he does not love her.

The second highest reason was the religious sanction at 30%. Whether the marriage happened within the first or the tenth year of marriage, religion becomes the foremost important reason after love for the second marriage to happen. Religious justification is given to both the wives.

The third highest reason but way down to 17% is not even a reason. The first wife has no idea why he remarried. No reasons given. Just the news that he has remarried. She keeps wondering what could it be. This reflects secrecy, lack of communication and total disregard for the first wife’s emotions. The rest of the life is spent in just ruminating what could be the reason.

At 15% there is a reverse that he does not love her. He may not be in love with someone else but he does not love her. So the second marriage could happen because of reasons other than love. These form 15% of the responses including all those reasons which we keep hearing but they are not on the top of the list of reasons. That wife could not conceive, that he wanted financial benefits out of second marriage, that he wanted a son, that wife was unwell. But the top of the heap is love and religion.

The data highlights emotional, religious, and patriarchal justifications behind men’s re-marriages. Many husbands rationalized their actions through religious or social norms, often side-lining emotional accountability.

Some years back triple divorce played an important role in helping men to assert their authority in a marriage. He held the power to unilaterally terminate the marriage in 3 seconds flat. It was tool for manipulation, control and to keep women under his control for fear of being divorced. Threat of instant divorce kept women under his authority and he could make her do whatever he wanted. With triple divorce made illegal, polygamy now plays that role. Husband asserts his power through the threat of remarriage. It becomes a way to discipline or threaten the first wife. Lack of legislation in this area also encourages the men. If he remarries, he is not doing anything illegal or unIslamic.

Let us now see what husbands tell the second wife about his reasons for marrying her. Love and then religion crop up again at 43% and 40%

The dominant reasons given to the second wife were:

“He loved her” (43%), suggesting that emotional or romantic justification was the most common explanation. “Religion allows four wives” (39.7%), again showing that religious sanction is used as a legitimizing tool for remarriage. Together, these two reasons alone account for over 80% of responses.

12–15% of men justified remarriage by discrediting the first wife by saying that he did not love her (14.8%), that she is ill-mannered (11.5%), that she could not conceive (12.9%) or that she could not bear sons (4.2%). These collectively reflect patriarchal blame-shifting, where the first wife is portrayed as the cause. The data also reflects gendered power imbalance — men control the narrative, often invoking love, religion, or the first wife’s faults to rationalize remarriage.

12.8% of second wives reported that the man lied about being divorced, and 17.3% of first wives said they did not know the reason at all, showing dishonesty and manipulation in both relationships.

Arranged marriages by parents were mentioned by 13.8% of first wives and 19.7% of second wives, implying that family involvement sustains and normalizes polygamous practices.

Work-related reasons (“staying far away for work”) appeared more often among second wives (12.6%) than first (8%), perhaps used as a socially acceptable excuse for taking another wife.

Husbands tailor their justifications depending on the audience. To the first wife: reasons that distance or dismiss her — emotional detachment, religion, or her inadequacy. To the second wife: reasons that attract or reassure her — love, religion, or sympathy toward the husband’s situation. The data exposes a dual communication strategy rooted in patriarchal privilege, where men control both narratives to maintain power and legitimacy. The consistent invocation of religion and reproduction reveals how social and cultural norms are instrumentalized to rationalize polygamy. Emotional manipulation (love), moral justification (religion), and social conditioning (infertility, arranged setups) together form the triad of rationalizations used by men to remarry.

 

TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

Article 5 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

In this article we will look at various other aspects of a polygamous relationship that throws light on human psychology, psyche of a man and patriarchal impacts on the relationship. We asked women what was the gap between their husband’s first and second marriage. The idea was to see what time span passes before a man decides to marry another woman.

26% of men remarried within the first three years, pointing toward early marital dissatisfaction or pre-existing relationships. Either they knew their second wife before marrying the first wife or they fell in love as we see in the 40% of the cases. Three years is also not a long enough time to establish a bond with your wife especially if it is an arranged set up. In an arranged marriage, the bride and the groom, do not even meet or see each other before marriage. All decisions are taken by the parents. It could be that there was no bond established at all. A man can walk out of a relationship or enter into a new one, but the cultural socialization of a woman forces her to remain where she is.

In many cases the decision is not entirely by husband alone. Parents may not be happy about the dowry received, they expected an early male child, son’s love marriage with the first wife or general unhappiness or high expectations. Marriages bring jewellery, gifts, material stuff. For some, remarriages are a source of income. Husband and the family may not be happy with the income thus earned.

Marrying a complete stranger may take a lot of time for bonds to get established and not everyone has the patience or the skills to make it work, especially when you are child bride or groom or very young adult. They may not have the skills or the understanding of how to communicate, understand conflicts or have skills to resolve the conflict. Husband’s family is also not the right physical space for the conflict to be resolved. His parents will mostly always be sympathetic to their son. Remarriage for the husband then is much easier than working towards resolving conflict or talking it out with his wife.

It could be that there was an existing relationship before the first marriage. Family pressure made him marry his first wife and his own will made him marry the original woman of his choice. Although his first love, it lands up becoming his second marriage. But atleast he did what he always wanted to do. Sadly, that option is not available for the woman.

Although not discussed too openly, sex could play a role in the man moving towards a second marriage. There are high expectations and myths associated with sexual activity and young couple may be completely at sea about it. There is no pre-marital support and information from the family, there is no communication between the couple and total lack of sexual health awareness.

Men migrate for work from one state to another, one city to another leaving behind one family. He is then free to set up his own home in another city. First wife left behind may find herself in hostile family environment but he gets to get away from it all.

Young girls today have changed and they may not be willing to adjust, compromise, sacrifice for the new family. She wants a partner who shows love and care and it able to respect her. Young boys have still not learnt to do that. Young bride may be completely unwilling to cook and feed large families or compromise on her career or live in joint families where she has no say. Early fights and conflicts then become inevitable. Again, the man gets to get away from it all through another marriage.

The slightly larger group (30%) reported that their husbands remarried after more than eight years of marriage, showing that many men entered second marriages later in life, often after the first family was established. It could also be indicative of probably the bond already being established but there is no love and affection. At this stage, the marriage has stabilized, couple are aware of each other’s habits, nature and temperament. They are now aware of their own unmet needs, dynamics with other members of the family, emotional disconnect, financial concerns, fertility issues and dissatisfaction at multiple levels. The family has either added to the damage or has tried to help but have failed to keep the couple together.

After 8 years the husband has mostly achieved a certain financially stability which then gives him the confidence to start another family. He may be genuinely be wanting to maintain both families but is unable to do so. May be the second marriage appears lucrative with fresh dowry or the second wife may be an earning woman.

Also divorce could be cumbersome now with triple divorce no longer available as an option. He may have to compensate his first wife if he goes ahead with the divorce. Remarriage is cheaper especially if he does not have to maintain his first family out of sheer irresponsibility.

It is also possible that the wife must be infertile or suffering from chronic illness requiring regular medication. It is then a burden on the husband and setting up another family seems to be an easy way out.

All the above reasons get validated because all these reasons get reflected in the study in some way or the other. We have looked into the intricacies of these marriages not just in terms of the reasons of multiple marriages but also in terms of its nuanced impact. The least we can do is bring in legislative prohibition to in some way impact the social narrative of polygamy.

 

 

 

PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

 

PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

Article 4 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

Muslim community has created an illusion that husband has to take the first wife’s permission to marry the second time. It is touted as some obligation and espoused as being so fair and just. How dare he do it without asking? He is supposed to take permission. It is such an honorable thing to do, the asking.

As if a woman will happily and willingly cut a branch on which she is sitting. But he must ask. That is the sign of a good man, a thinking man, a sensitive man. Asking or seeking permission before remarrying is touted as Islamic but there is no mention of wife’s permission in the Quran. The permission aspect comes from the fact that a wife can stipulate a condition in her nikaahnama that he cannot or should not take another wife. Some classical fiqh literature too have highlighted this aspect.

Having said that let us see the ground reality. Overwhelming majority (88%) were not consulted. This shows a serious disregard for the first wife’s consent, despite the fact that in Islamic law, transparency and fairness are required in polygamous marriages. It reflects a pattern of unilateral decision-making by husbands and limited marital agency for women. There is lack of transparency, serious breach of trust and marital communication which deeply affects the first wife’s emotional, social and economic well-being.

Only 12%, a very small proportion of husbands sought the wife’s approval before remarrying, possibly indicating more egalitarian relationships or higher legal/religious awareness among these families. It hints at some degree of respect for the wife but it does not imply consent. Informing is not even consulting, let alone consenting.

These findings highlight systemic gender inequality and lack of enforcement of women’s rights in marital practices. Emotional, financial, and social consequences for first wives are significant when such decisions are made without their involvement.

Consent in polygamous marriages is largely symbolic rather than real, reinforcing women’s lack of control over marital dynamics. This underscores the need for stronger legal safeguards and community awareness to ensure women’s consent and dignity are respected.

These numbers underscore systemic marginalization of first wives within the practice of polygamy. They point to a need for institutional reforms—for instance, requiring documented consent before a second marriage is legally or religiously validated.

Least that a wife deserves is that she is informed about his second marriage, if not taken permission from. Here too the Muslim men fail. 85% of first wives were not even informed before their husbands remarried. Transparency and consent are both extremely low — together suggesting women’s voices are often disregarded in marital decisions. This reinforces the urgent need for legal literacy, marriage registration awareness, and stronger procedural protections for women’s consent in polygamous contexts.

A majority of the second wives were informed (68%). They entered marriage knowing their husbands were already married. There is some degree of openness and may indicate that second marriages occur with some awareness or acceptance of husband’s marital status.

However, nearly one-third of second wives were misled (32%). They were in the dark about the husband’s previous marriage. This is deception and fraud leading to emotional trauma and potential legal/religious complications once the truth emerges.

Among first wives, only 15% were informed about their husbands’ plans to remarry and among second wives, 68% were informed about the first marriage. Together, these reveal a pattern of asymmetrical information. Husbands are more likely to be transparent with second wives than with first wives. The least a man can do is inform but even that is not done. While the first wife’s awareness of her husband is taken for granted, the second wife’s awareness is more often sought — perhaps because concealing a prior marriage becomes more difficult socially or legally. The data show that second wives experience relatively higher autonomy in terms of information before marriage and yet, a substantial 32% still enter marriages under false pretences, which raises ethical and legal concerns around misrepresentation. Men use transparency selectively, based on whatever suits them and is convenient.

One would wonder why would a woman want to marry an already married man. We spoke to the second wives and sought their thoughts on it. Two very compelling reasons came forth from the second wives. Nearly 40% married because they fell in love and the other 40% were forced to be the second wife by their parents. Though much less but 11% were manipulated by the husband to marry her. So emotional attachment was the dominant factor. Many second wives entered the marriage out of affection despite social and moral complexities. Near equal to those who married for love, were those who were forced. This reflects deep family and community control over women’s marital choices. With the 11% it indicates coercion or manipulation, where consent is compromised, reflecting serious power imbalances.

There is a near equal split between love (39.6%) and family pressure (39.4%). reveals a tension between personal choice and patriarchal control. Emotional vulnerability and social pressure are both significant drivers of women’s entry into polygamous marriages. Over half (51%) of second wives experienced either coercion or lack of full awareness, questioning the validity of their consent. Only 5% of cases involved the first wife’s explicit consent, suggesting that polygamy was rarely mutual or consensual between co-wives.

If we take family pressure [39.4], force by men [11.4] and deception [22.5] then 73% of second wives had no active consent to being the second wife. Which means most second marriages are a fraud, deception and coercion. Inspite of being aware [68%] they did succumb to the second marriage. Which means awareness is not necessarily an agency which a woman applies for herself and for the benefit of her future.

It would be interesting to unpack ‘love’ as nearly 40% second wives married out of love. It could mean economic security, emotional attachment, attraction and sexual drive. Comparing it with the data on the age of marriage of the second wives, 70% married between 18-30 years and 17% between 30-40 years reflecting that second marriages occur a bit late in life. It could imply that it was a well thought out decision of the second wife, especially of those who fell in love [40%]

Those who were coerced by family [39.4%] and forced by men [11.4%], more than 50% inspite of their majority age could not resist that force. Being above 18, does not ensure self-confidence, self-awareness, ability to resist coercion, agency and ability to deny consent. Looking at the data on how many were asked for consent by the qazi [97% were asked consent and 94% signed] one wonders what happened to this important tool of Islamic marriage framework, consent. It also implies that having rules favouring women also do not ensure its usage. The agency of a Muslim woman to say ‘NO’ when asked at the time of marriage is severely compromised. A girl child who has not been taught to say ‘no’ earlier on, will not be able to muster courage at the time of marriage. She also learnt to live with coercion, pressure and forced consent for every important decision in her life.

So how did she come to know of his second marriage? For the first wives only 15% were informed directly by their husbands, showing that majority of first wives (85%) learned indirectly, highlighting secrecy and lack of transparency. The most common sources were “others” (25%) and family members (20%), suggesting that community or social circles often reveal such information rather than the husband himself. Only 2% of first wives personally discovered it, indicating that many were kept in the dark.

For the second wives a contrasting picture emerges — 68% were directly informed by the husband, indicating greater openness toward the second marriage. Around 10–13% were informed through family or parents, showing partial family involvement or consent. Very few second wives (only 2–6%) found out through neighbours or others, which implies that the second marriage is often disclosed within controlled circles.

The data reveals a double standard in communication. Husbands tend to hide the second marriage from the first wife while disclosing it to the second. This suggests lack of honesty and emotional consideration toward the first wife and more negotiation or transparency in the case of the second marriage. It also points to patriarchal control over information flow, where the husband decides who “needs to know.”

Overall, one gets a sense of deception, lies, manipulation and dishonesty. So much of the energy of families go into sustaining this charade. How can a community prosper with so much getting utilized for maintaining a deception?

 

POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

 

POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

Article 3 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

This study throws up some interesting data about men, though not very surprising. We wanted to know a bit more about the man who enter into polygamous marriage. We could get the data about the men through the wives whom we interviewed. It would have been interesting to talk to men but that is the limitation of this study that we could not speak to them directly. So all information about the men are through the wives.

Age

A small percentage (9%) were married before the age of 21. But a majority of husbands (59%) were 21–30 years old, a typical age range for first marriages. Only a small proportion were very young, which is less than 21 years or older than 40. Most husbands (74%) were 21–30 years old, reflecting typical age alignment in first marriages. Very few husbands were older than 40 (1%), indicating first marriages mostly involve younger men.

A larger proportion of husbands were older (31–40 years: 46%; above 41: 10%) in second marriages. Only 3% were below 21 years, and 40% were 21–30 years. This suggests second marriages often involve older husbands, possibly due to remarriage after divorce or widowhood.

First marriages involve younger husbands (21–30 years) predominantly. Second marriages involve older husbands (31–40 and above), reflecting age differences and remarriage patterns. This may indicate greater age disparity in second marriages, which could have social and economic implications.

Education

A majority of husbands (60%) have education only up to 10th standard or below. This includes 21% with no schooling and 16% below Std 7th, suggesting widespread limited formal education among men in polygamous marriages.

Around 19% completed Std 10–12, showing some presence of secondary education but not enough to mark higher educational achievement.

Only 16% of men attained undergraduate or higher degrees, indicating that polygamy cuts across lower-education groups predominantly.

The first wives’ husbands are slightly more represented in the “Std 7th–10th” category (25%) compared to second wives’ husbands (21%), implying that first marriages may occur earlier or with slightly better-educated men. The education gap between first and second wives’ husbands is minimal, showing similar socio-educational backgrounds across both marriages.

About 2–3% of women did not know their husband’s education — possibly due to communication gaps or secrecy in marital contexts, especially among second wives.

The data suggests a correlation between low male education levels and polygamous practices. Lower education often links to traditional gender norms, economic instability, and social acceptance of multiple marriages.

Income

A majority of husbands (around 66%) had an income below ₹20,000 per month at the time of marriage. This reflects that polygamous marriages are most prevalent among lower-income groups.

6% (133 men) had income below 1,000 or no income at all — indicating marriages occurring even when men were financially unstable or dependent. Such marriages may rely on family support or informal work, suggesting economic vulnerability at the household level.

Around 34% of the husbands fell in this range 10,000–20,000 showing a slight upward mobility, but still within the lower-middle-class segment. These income levels likely correlate with daily wage, small business, or service sector jobs.

Only 17% of husbands earned ₹20,000 or above, highlighting limited participation of affluent men in polygamous marriages. However, among second wives, a slightly higher proportion (23%) belonged to the ₹20,000+ bracket, suggesting that some better-earning men contract second marriages.

First wives were generally married to men with lower income ranges (5,000–15,000). Second wives show a slightly higher income distribution, particularly in the 20,000–40,000 and above 40,000 categories. This might imply that men remarry after financial improvement or use higher income to justify/afford a second marriage. 17% of women did not know their husband’s income, showing lack of financial transparency, especially in patriarchal setups or marriages with unequal communication and power dynamics.

BMMA’s study has been with women from poor segment of the Muslim society. As we saw in the above data, men in polygamous marriages are also often young, low-income and less educated. What possibly could be the reasons for men to still enter another marriage which in some way also increases their stress and responsibility.

Men who marry young often do not have a choose their partner. His partner is decided by the family. In the Muslim community, in some groups, first-cousin marriages are common. Caste, sect, class considerations also matter. The parents think it is their sole right to decide the marriage partner for their son. As we saw earlier, 59% married between 21-30. In our experience in the communities, we find that a large majority are married before 25 years of age. This age does not warrant financial independence. We saw earlier that 66% earned below 20,000 at the time of their marriage. With lack of emotional maturity, lack of financial resources and not much of education to back up [60% upto 10^th class or below] and neither employable skills, early marriage for men also does no good. Men this young mostly join their father’s business or join family business as runners or side supporter. They learn the tricks of the trade while the family supports him and his wife. This also increases their dependence on the dowry that the wife brings in. Most often the expenses of the wedding are also borne by the girls’ family. Since mostly the choices are imposed by the parents, when the time comes for the husband to take a partner of his choice, he does not hesitate. Since the first one is not of his choice, he also tends to neglect his responsibility towards her. This reflects also a limited exposure to gendered understanding, lack of honest and open communication with parents, lack of exposure to the world outside and hence other possibilities.

Boys in the Muslim communities, as in all other communities, grow up to feel entitled to the privileges that come with being a male species. There is a defiance of sorts where he believes he can do what he wants. Understanding of marriage as a partnership of two people, of love and care, of understanding and adjustments is absent. Instead, is a toxic masculinity that only understands controlling women. She must obey him, look after his parents, obey them as well and generally behave like a glorified servant. Close to 40% men have justified second marriage simply by reiterating the sanction by religion, without knowing the context in which it was sanctioned and with total disregard to the ethical framework of Islam which requires women-men relationships to be governed by love, care, peace and kindness. It is like saying, ‘since I can do it, let me do it’. Not having a law prohibiting second marriage is like an added incentive. It is the inability to see the woman as a human being, as someone who thinks and feels and has an opinion. The understanding that women are sub human and are only meant to follow orders like a robot just makes it easier and guilt free.

Seen from the data that men give more mehr to the second wife, it does not deter them to have a second wife. He also gets less dowry. But still prefers to go ahead with an added responsibility. That is also because the first wife responsibility is washed off his hands. Again data shows first wife starts to depend on her parents for survival. So, it is not that his responsibility is increasing. In fact, he ensures that his one responsibility goes away so that he takes the second one.

Marriage registration is a weak area in our country. There is no accountability. Marriage then becomes a private affair. There is no need to disclose, make it formal and legal. There is also no shame attached to second marriage. In fact, it is like a badge of honour.

There is a need to reach out to men with the objective of inculcating in them a gendered perspective. Can we begin a process where they are able to reject the toxicity attached to being a man? Can we do something to make them more human, more sensitive, more vulnerable? Can we make them see women as human beings, as a thinking and feeling person and not a robot? A big demand but the time has come. Polygamy is not just a religious issue, it is about patriarchy, it is about women’s rights, it is about being human, it is about education and awareness and assertion of a woman’s legal and constitutional rights.