RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

 

RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

Article 2 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who have been survivors of polygamy. Other than revealing the opinion and experience of Muslim women on their marital status, the study also threw up information about other aspects. In this article we discuss the issue of Mehr and Dowry. 

The lived reality of Muslim women in India is in sharp contrast to these Quranic injunctions and ethical values espoused in marital relationships, especially in connection with Mehr, a legal requirement for the Muslim marriage to be solemnized.

Based on the study, Breaking the Silence, in which BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who were victims of polygamy, we found the status of mehr in these women’s lives.

93% of the 2508 respondents did not receive any mehr at all. As seen above it is an important condition of marriage and an extremely important financial provision for women at the time of marriage. In India where arranged marriages are a norm, having a good amount of money at the time of marriage is a big support and security to women who move into a stranger’s house, sometimes far away from her maternal home. But see the number above and mehr payment is a joke. It is a mere number in her nikaahnama. The amounts given also do not serve the purpose for which they are meant. Either women do not receive it or they get it reluctantly at the time of divorce. At the time of widowhood, she is forced to forgive mehr which the dead husband owes her.

If we compare the amounts received by the first and the second wife, 61.4% of the first wife did not receive mehr whereas 32% of second wife did not receive the mehr. Was the second wife bribed into the marriage by actually getting a mehr, never mind if it was meagre? 22.2% received less than Rs. 5000/-. 6.9% of the second wife got more than Rs. 40,000 compared to 4.2% of the first wife. Does the second wife tend to gain more? Only a small fraction received substantial mehr which is more than 20,000 i.e. 11.4%. 13.9% received ₹786, a very nominal amount, and 21% received less than ₹5,000. High Mehr, more than 40,000 is rare (4.2%), likely reserved for well-off households or special circumstances.

30.5% of 2508 respondents received Rs. 786/- as mehr amount. Rs. 5000/- seems to be the favourite. 43.2% received Rs. 5000/- and 27.6% received amounts between Rs. 5000/- and 10,000/-. The slightly lucky ones, 11% received Rs. 40,000 and above.

What does it mean for women? It means that financial security of women is limited, as mehr is often unpaid or nominal, leaving first wives economically vulnerable. The high proportion with no mehr may affect widowhood, divorce, or widow support, particularly in households with multiple wives.

32% of second wives received no mehr, compared to 61.4% of first wives. This indicates second wives are more likely to receive at least some mehr, possibly due to formalized arrangements in subsequent marriages.

Second wives generally receive more Mehr than first wives. While the majority still receive low amounts, second wives may have slightly better financial security, possibly because second marriages often involve explicit financial agreements.

First wives are disproportionately disadvantaged, with over 60% receiving nothing. High-value mehr is rare in both groups, showing systemic financial vulnerability of women in marital settlements.

Indian Muslim women are not just Muslims that we would be only worrying about mehr. Dowry plays an important role in Muslim marriages. In this study on polygamy and studying the lives of women impacted by polygamy, the data on dowry turns out to be intriguing. Out of the 2500 women interviewed, first wives comprised of 1419 respondents and 1089 respondents were second wives. 18% of first wife did not give dowry and 47% of second wives did not give dowry. The second wife clearly gains by not giving as much dowry as the first wife.

Furthermore, 26 first wives gave over 10 lakh worth dowry compared to just 8 second wives. While 47% of the first wives have given dowry between Rs. 50000 to Rs. 2 lakh, only 23% of second wives have given a similar amount.

The first wife stands to lose by giving more dowry and getting less mehr as compared to the second wife.

In most communities including the Muslims, especially in the lower socio-economic strata, first marriages are arranged by the parents in a traditional way where dowry expectations are normalized. Boys’ family ask and the girls family pay. The elders in the family take decisions on behalf of the bride and the groom. Patriarchy weighs heavy in these family transactions where the girl’s family feels obligated to give dowry. It is tied up to their status and the rush and the hurry to marry off the daughters, considering that she is a burden to be released as early as possible. Asking for a good mehr for their daughter also is not encouraged. Asking for a good mehr can also push away potential ‘good’ boys. Getting girls married at a young age also pushes parents to compromise on mehr and give big dowry. So, dowry drains the girls’ family and enriches the boys’ family. Giving less mehr is a gain to the boy’s family. So dowry becomes a substantial pay out to the boys and mehr remains symbolic and minimal. Patriarchy does show itself up in such ways where money and resources are concerned.

Contrast this with second marriages where it is not negotiated by the parents but by the groom himself. It is usually secretive, done on the sly and in a hurry. There some bit of shame attached as it cannot be done in the same lavish way as the first marriage. It remains a negotiation between two individuals and not two families. Second wife also has not much of dowry in her own capacity to pay him. Her parents may not want the pomp and show which adds to unnecessary expenses. The husband may also want to downplay dowry as he is doing it in hiding and may not want anyone to know about it through a big guest list or by insisting on a big dowry. The second wife probably insists on a bigger mehr as a protection against an insecure, secretive set up.

The second wife as we see in the study is also more in a position to negotiate if she knows he is already married. She negotiates directly probably.

By the time the husband remarries which is mostly between 3-8 years of his first marriage, he is also more mature and older. He is out of the control of his parents. He is financially more stable and more confident to take his own decisions. He may not demand more dowry because he may not need it as a pre condition to marriage and maybe he is in a better position financially to pay more mehr.

Another insight we get is that when families negotiate the commercials of a marriage, the woman loses. She pays more and gets less. Families and patriarchy feed into each other. They pay more and get the burden of the girl off their chest. But when the girl gets to negotiate her marriage herself, the second wife in the context of our study, she negotiates for herself in which case she gets a better mehr and pays lesser dowry.

Let us look at the Quranic verses linked to Mehr and thereby the ethical perspective attached to it and contrast it with the data above and see how hollow our claims are to be devout and faithful Muslims.

4:19 O You who have chosen to be graced with belief! It is not lawful for you to force women into marrying or holding on to them in marriage against their will. Pressuring women to remain in wedlock by threatening to take away the marital gift is forbidden. A wife could forfeit the right to the marital gift only if she has indulged in clear lewdness. You shall treat your wives nicely. Even if you dislike them, it may happen that God has placed much good in what you have failed to realize.

On mehr the verse is very clear that it is not ok to pressurize women to remain in the marriage by threatening to take away the mehr. He cannot ask for the mehr back. Only she can give up and that too only if she is in the wrong. It also exhorts men to not keep a woman in marriage against her will and treat her nicely even if he may not be liking her as much. It is a clear instruction to men to treat mehr as her right and only she decides what she does with it.

2:236 There is no blame on you if you nullify the marriage before consummation or fixation of the marital gift. Give them a generous gift, the wealthy according to his means and the poor according to his means. This gift is a binding duty on all those who wish to be counted among the benefactors of humanity. 2:237 And if unexpected circumstances lead you to divorce women before you have intimately touched them, but after the marital gift has been fixed, give them half the amount unless they volunteer to forgo it. If the move for divorce originates from you, let her have the whole portion. If you men forgo it, it is closer to righteousness. O People! Never forget kindness among yourselves. Verily, God is Seer of all you do.

Mehr is a duty of the man if he wants to be amongst those who benefit humanity. This elevates the mehr giving to be his sacred duty enjoined by Allah. It is to be treated as a generous gift based on his capacity. It is due to his wife even if the marriage is not consummated. Men is asked to pay half if there is divorce before consummation. And if the divorce is his demand then he has to pay the full mehr. He is asked to forego it and show kindness. There are other verses which constantly emphasize on giving a handsome amount as gift with kindness.

4:4 Upon marriage, give women their marital gifts, a generous portion of your property, unless they forgo it voluntarily. In that case you are welcome to accept it as rightfully yours.

The verse addresses men and asks them to give a big portion of mehr. This is a legal obligation owed to the wife. It is not just an obligation but a generous gift to be given graciously. The concept of ‘gift’ goes against the idea of an exchange which the classic jurists have implied; exchange of wife’s obedience to him providing maintenance. A gift is a gift to be given with love and a big heart and not a commercial transaction.

The marriage itself is a partnership of two people in Islam bound by love, care and happiness. In this marriage, mehr is a gracious gift to a partner who is socially and economically vulnerable. It is a legal right rooted in care for the partner and in a mindset of ‘giving’. Converting a gift into a legal obligation by husband and a legal right by wife, stationed in the overall bond of solemnity and equality, is Islam’s way of ensuring the legal right to women wrapped in dignity and justice.

It is to be noted also that these verses are addressed to the men. Also if we look at the preceding verse, men are instructed to marry widows and later instructed not to indulge in polygamy at all. The underlying narrative is of justice and to view the relationship with dignity and care.

Across all the verses, mehr is a graciously given abundant gift and a legal obligation with clear instructions of not taking it back.

What Islam demands of Muslims and what Muslims do to themselves is there for us to see in the data above. Critical self-reflection is the need of the hour.

COMMUNITY IN A RUSH TO MARRY OFF DAUGHTERS

 

Community In A Rush To Marry Off Daughters

Article 1 

Based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808  

BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who have been survivors of polygamy. Other than revealing the opinion and experience of Muslim women on their marital status, the study also threw up information about other aspects. In this article we discuss the age, education and income of Muslim women.

Age of Marriage

This study captured the views of Muslim women who at the time of study were mainly in the age group of 30-50. We checked with them the age at which they got married. Out of the first wives, 24% were married before the age of 18 and 11% of the second wives were married before the age of 18. If we combine both figures then 36% of the total respondents were married before the age of 18. To put it in plain words, 36% of women were child brides.

If we compare the numbers of the first and second wife, we can see that the first wife has the disadvantage. She gets married earlier than the second wife. First marriages are more prone to early marriage. When parents chose a wife for their son, they choose someone who is below 18 or someone who has just cleared that age. But when the same man chooses a second wife for himself, she is not a child but mostly an adult. While 25% of first wives were a minor when they got married, less than half, 11% of the second wife were minors. Second marriage of the husband usually happens with a woman who is an adult. We see here that the first wife suffers and is a victim of child marriage more than the second wife of the same husband. Child marriage is more common among first wives than second wives.

36% while still is a big number reflecting early marriage, it is also heartening to see increasing number of adult marriages. Here too we see that the second wife tends to marry in adulthood more than the first wife. In both the groups, i.e. the first and second wife, a majority of them marry as adults which is 18-30 years. This is positive as it is showing some alignment of the community with the legal and social norms. It also aligns with our own experience while working in the community that we see an increasing number of young women studying beyond class 12. If we compare these figures with our previous study ‘Seeking Justice Within Family Law, released in 2015, almost a decade earlier, we see that than the rate of child marriage was almost 55%.  https://notionpress.com/in/read/seeking-justice-within-family

BMMA has been proposing the comprehensive codification of Muslim family law so that there is an increasing alignment with legal provisions. The Prohibition of Child Marriages Act, 2006 is applicable to all citizens of India but there is confusion and a misunderstanding that it is not applicable to the Muslim community. No citizen of the country is prohibited from accessing any law of the country but given the hold of the clerics within the Muslim community and misinformed police which believes that certain laws are not applicable to the Muslim community, most from the community are not aware of the law and many wrongly believe that it does not apply to them. Hence it is important that a specific mention be made in the codified Muslim family law that in case of child marriage, the PCMA can be evoked.

Education

A large majority (66%) of women had education levels up to 10th standard or below at the time of marriage. 20% completed Std 11th–12th, indicating a moderate segment who had exposure to higher secondary education but did not progress to college. Only 12% of women reached undergraduate or higher levels (graduate, postgraduate, diploma, vocational). A significant number, 21% have not gone to school at all and vocational and skill-based education is even more miniscule with only 1%, pointing to very limited avenues for employment or self-reliance.

If we compare the numbers of the first and second wives then we see that the second wives tend to be marginally better educated at the time of marriage, possibly reflecting changing educational opportunities over time or men choosing somewhat more educated partners for later marriages.

The data underscores that education for women remains a neglected area, especially in communities where polygamy is practiced. Early marriage, poverty, and patriarchal norms likely contribute to low female educational attainment. The low education level of women, coupled with early marriage, can perpetuate economic dependency and social vulnerability. Women with lesser education are often less aware of their legal and marital rights, making them more susceptible to marital instability and acceptance of polygamy.

If we combine 66% women who are either 10^th class or below and 21% who have not gone to school at all, then a whopping 87% enter marriage without any significant educational empowerment.

Income At The Time Of Marriage

79% of women had no income at the time of marriage, highlighting economic dependence from the outset of marriage. Only small fractions (less than 15%) had any substantial earnings before marriage. Even higher proportion (84%) of first wives had no income at marriage. Very few had moderate or high income, indicating economic dependence starts early, especially for first wives. 73% of second wives had no income, slightly lower than first wives. Higher proportions are seen in 1000–10,000 range (16%), suggesting second wives may have had slightly more earning opportunities before marriage.

Now let us combine all the figures above. 36% are child brides and 21% have not gone to school and 79% have no income at the time of marriage. And that leads to the title of this article, what is the rush? Why are Muslim parents in a great hurry to marry their daughters so weak and disempowered? Does the conventional, time tested explanation for early marriage still stays or more reasons can now be added? Does it have anything to do with being a Muslim or the issue is community-neutral?

A disempowered girl/woman, underage, illiterate, poor is then burdened with polygamy. While she is still coping with marriage at such a young age, she faces an emotional bolt in the form of her husband’s second marriage. While data clearly shows that the first wife tends to suffer more, it is needless to say that both are equally vulnerable and disempowered.  What is the family gaining by this inhumanity? Our youth are so vulnerable, weak and disempowered and then we burden them with marriage and accompanied responsibility. What is wrong with us? What will push us out of this slumber?

 

WHAT DO MUSLIM WOMEN WANT VIS-À-VIS POLYGAMY

 

WHAT DO MUSLIM WOMEN WANT VIS-À-VIS POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

In the report published by BMMA, ‘Status of Women in Polygamous Marriage and the Need for Legal Protection’, Muslim women have in their own words given a piece of advice to Muslim men, to religious groups and to the larger community. One of the respondents in the study says, a woman gives her whole life to her husband but husband does not respect her. A woman lives with this fear all the time that her husband may leave her and that she has no control over him. Men give the example of the Prophet and they think they know everything about Islam. But their behavior betrays their ignorance about their own religion. Change is part of the society then why is change not possible for women? Why is she still subjected to archaic traditions and laws which harm not just a woman but entire families and consequently the community and nation.

 

If men are not able to take care of a woman then why do they need so many wives? This is the refrain of most of the women. Women don’t land up marrying as soon as her husband leaves her. Does she not have her needs or is it that only men have needs and they need to be fulfilled at the first go. Men only misuse polygamy and cheat women. There is no need for polygamy in today’s situation. A husband is not able to take responsibility of one wife and children. Then where is the need for another wife and take on a burden which they cannot handle. How can one neglect ones wife and children who are loving you and are dependent on you? How can she be forced to share her life with some one? A lot of duties are assigned to men in Islam. But they are not ready to fulfil it. They use polygamy and ignore and harass the children. This is the worst of practice. It is against Islam. Men should marry once and not destroy women’s life. They should have one wife and take care of the family properly. They are asking Muslim men to read the Quran and try to understand what it is trying to say about polygamy.

 

Mei musalmano mardo se kehna chati hoo ki kisiki majbori ka fayda mat utho apne paiso ke bal per. Un garib logo ke bacho ko padhao aur insaan banao. ‘I would like to tell Muslim men that they should not take advantage of someone’s helplessness just because they have money. Educate the children of the poor and help them turn into decent humans’.

 

Women ask Muslim men to not cheat their wives. One woman whose husband wanted an educated wife and she was not, says, if he wanted an educated wife then he should have married an educated wife. Why cheat her? To sum up, the relationship between men and women appears at an all-time low when one victim says, ‘Never to trust men. They can change anytime!’

 

In Tamil Nadu the women shared that the Jamaats, group of men who believe they know religion better than others, also justify polygamy. They say both women can stay together and while saying this they completely ignore the personal feelings of both women. They support polygamy and destroy the peace of the family. Such Jamaats must put some conditions on men. They must verify all claims and have all relevant documents of the men with them. Muslim women cannot go to the court or police station always. She requests Jamaat leaders to lead the society as per Quran and ensure justice. In istema, waz, kutba [religious congregations and announcements] the religious leaders must give right advice regarding marriage and divorce. They should not give space for men to desert their wife and children.

 

Main kahna chahti hoon ki mere shauhar ko sazaa milni chahiye.’ ‘I want to say that my husband should be punished.’ Overwhelmingly the women want the state to intervene. It is the state’s responsibility to reform the law as per the Quranic rights of women and to stop violence against them. If the leaders do not listen to women, where is the space for women to voice her concerns? The police also tell the woman to go to the Jamaat for any marital dispute but the Jamaat does not listen to the woman.

 

Muslim women say, ‘polygamy should be banned so that lives of women like me and the lives of our children are not spoiled.’ They want the government to put a stop to this practice. There should be a law for monogamy. If he remarries then he should be punished because a woman’s entire life is in trouble. There must be strict laws regarding second marriage. Each woman must get her rights and it is the responsibility of the government.

 

One woman says, ‘What happened with me was wrong. There should be restriction on it. Otherwise women will loose trust over the institution of marriage. Polygamy must be abolished. Not just the husband but whoever is making him do this marriage, must also be punished’. The government must monitor the system and reform laws to save women and children suffering from polygamy.

 

To the larger Muslim community, the respondents of the Study say, women should be given space to express her feelings and her concerns about her future life. Nobody really cares for her. She needs to be given confidence by the society, by the community. She needs to be empowered. If the husband wants to remarry then he must compensate the woman. Where will she go? We are so far away from the court and the government. We need to change ourselves.

Muslim community needs to understand a woman’s soul. Only when they feel her problem, then only the community, government and everyone will come forward to change.

 

Is the community ready to listen to our voice? All suggestions are for women but nobody says anything to the men. This attitude of the community is the problem. We need law but who respects that? What men do becomes a law. Our community elders need to think this, we need strict rules – but are they ready to change?

 

Women in Tamil Nadu say that the larger community must intervene and tell the Jamaat to work in the favour of victims. Muslim community must follow the Quran and legal rights of women to avoid this situation of first wife and children in the name of polygamy. The community must share information about Quranic rights with women and take steps to reform the law in favour of women. They must not harass the women in the name of polygamy.

‘I request the government and the community that each girl should get her rights.’

 See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection

 

 

 

 

SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS OF WOMEN IN POLYGAMY

 

SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS OF WOMEN IN POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

A lot of justification is given by the advocates of polygamy that if the second marriage remains legal then the first wife still continues to have and retain all her financial rights. Both wives get the benefit of being financially supported by the husband. But lived reality of women, especially from the lower socio-economic strata turned worse after the husband remarried. There is no hidden psychology or some fantastic economic theory. It means that the husband acts irresponsibly and simply stops supporting his first wife and children. Simply stops. And given how expensive and lethargic our judicial system is, no women dares to approach the court for economic sustenance. A large swathe of poor women simply work even more harder to survive with now additional responsibility of the children.

 

Let’s look at some case studies highlighted in BMMA’s ‘Status of Women in Polygamous Marriage and the Need for Legal Protection’, published in December 2022 by Notion Press.

 

In Karnataka two women were above the age of 60 and for many years they had struggled after their husbands married another woman and abandoned them. They have grown up children now. For instance Maktumbee, age 62, had 3 children – 2 daughters and 1 son. They were all married and they lived separately with their families.

 

Kamrun bi, 65, worked as a house cleaner. She had one daughter who died after her marriage. Her husband had HIV and her daughter also had HIV. So her daughter, her husband and their daughter all died. She had another daughter who lived with Kamrunbi. The rest of the women are all within the age of 46. Zarina from Mumbai is youngest. She is 23 years of age.

 

All of them had children to manage. Roshan from Karnataka had 2 children. Her daughter, 17, was studying in class 12 and son, 20, was working in a mobile shop. Ayesha from Mumbai had 4 sons. Saira in Mumbai and Maimoona Khatoon from Odisha had one child each. Naazmabanu from Odisha has 3 children.

 

Noorjehan Shaikh from Mumbai belonged to a poor family. Father was unemployed and mother worked as a domestic help. She had 3 sisters and 2 brothers. She was uneducated and because she was the eldest she had to look after her younger siblings. She also started working as a domestic help. Saira from Mumbai is from Gonda District of UP. They were 4 sisters and one brother. Parents were very poor. Saira studied only till class 7. She was married to Yusuf at the age of 14. Yusuf was 18 years of age. Arzoo from MP has three sisters. Her father worked as a labourer.

 

Roshan’s husband worked in a mechanic shop. Yusuf, Saira’s husband worked in a hair salon and earned well. Noorjehan from Mumbai and Rubina from MP are uneducated and Noorjehan worked as a domestic help. Rabiya from MP also worked as a domestic worker and earned Rs. 1200. She studied till 8th class. Maimoona from Odisha also was a domestic help studied only till class 3. Zarina from MP, the youngest in the profile studied till 10th class and did not have any source of income. Aarzoo from MP also studied till 10th and earned 1500/ by doing basic stitching work. Nazma Banu from Odisha studied till the 7th class. She is a widow now and has 3 children.

 

Let us look at some numbers to understand the gravity of the situation. Most of them have been married young mostly below the age of 18. Rubina from MP was married at the age of 16, Saira from Mumbai at the age of 14. 29% girls [ who are 1st wives] and 18% [ who are 2nd wives] were married below the age of 18. Combined figures show that 47% were not even 18 before they got married.

 

71% second wives were dropout below class 10, 20% illiterate, 4% graduate and 77% first wives were dropout below class 10, 11% up to class 10, 7% graduate, 1% PG. Even we take just the first figures without combining any numbers, 71-77% were below class 10.

 

42% first wives had no income at all; 40% had an income of below Rs 1000. Here if we combine then 82% had barely any money to survive. Same goes with the second wife. 45% second wives had no income at all; 34% had an income of below Rs 1000. Combined figures show that 79% bared managed.

 

Giving credit where it is due, 40% of the husbands provide first wife’s monthly maintenance, but 47% do not provide monthly maintenance and 13% husbands provide monthly maintenance irregularly. If we put the figures together then 60% of the women find themselves in a financially bleaker situation than they were before the husband remarried. This is also validated from the fact that 44% of women started working after the husband remarried.

 

Let us the see the housing status. A big number, 41% moved to their parent’s house, 14% lived on their own in a rented house and 10% lived in a new house provided by their husband. If we put the numbers together then 65% were displaced from their homes after the husband remarried.

 

TO SUM UP

 

47% were married below the age of 18, 77% had not even cleared their SSC, 82% of first wives and 79% of second wives barely survive with meagre or no income,  60% of first wives become financially weaker after husband’s remarriage and 65% were displaced from their homes. Moreover 45% women said they are tolerating the second marriage because they have no other option and they are concerned about their children.

 

The claim that polygamy is financially better for the wives than monogamy are living in a liar’s paradise.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection

 

REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

 

REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

If polygamy was not so hurtful, it would be a fascinating insight into the human psyche. Look below at some of the reasons given by the husband and his family to justify polygamy. Patriarchy remains an overarching reason, but greed, insensitivity, inhumanness, selfishness, greed, ego, immorality and many more of such human frailties surface.

 

A study done by BMMA, 'Status of Women in Polygamous Marriages and the Need for Legal Protection, published by Notion Press in December 2022, revealed some of these frailties through the eyes of the victim/survivor. Women who suffer polygamy tend to be in a state of shock initially but soon gather themselves to witness the most basest human emotion - crass, uncaring and immoral. They enter the marital relationship in vulnerability and remain in it as polygamy remains one of the reasons for that vulnerability.

 

This study brought out the reasons why a man gets into another marriage in the subsistance of his first marriage. It also brought forth justifications given by the husband's family to cover up for the act of their son. In most cases as expected the in-laws of the victim supported their son. In most cases they also knew that their son has remarried. In fact in one instance they blamed the woman for signing a letter which was actually a permission for his remarriage. In another instance they said wife must bear the violence and insults and if she does not then the husband will marry.

 

In one case she was beaten up by her husband and made to run away from his house. Depressed and dejected she came back to her in-laws. They told her that they cannot do anything about this and that she should take her children and go away wherever she can. That they have now nothing to do with her. When she refused to leave the house, they beat her up so much that she lost consciousness.

 

In one instance the parents of the daughter confronted the in-laws. Her in-laws told them that they cannot keep their daughter as they have decided to marry off their son somewhere else. Her mother asked them what her daughter’s fault was. They said their daughter is barren. Who will carry the name of their son? They asked her mother to leave. They said why can’t we marry our son again? We will get him married the third time. Her mother cried but nothing moved them. They came back home and after two days her belongings also came back. In another instance they said they cannot afford to bear her and her children’s expenses.

 

In Mumbai the victims says her in-laws had anyways not accepted her. So she was not welcome there. They called her son also illegitimate. That is why they married him off so that she cannot come to their house. In another case too in- laws did not like her. They never supported her. For them she did not exist at all. The second wife was as per their wishes. She was also poor and did not have anyone to speak on her behalf.

 

In another case her in-laws refused to give her share of the property where she was staying with her children. When the will was made her name was missing. They said as long as we are staying in this house, she will also have to stay there. So her husband left her and her in-laws did not give her the share in the matrimonial home.

 

In Odisha the victim checked with her mother in law who confirmed that her son has remarried. She said ‘so what if he has not divorced her. He is keeping you happy. He has married you so that you can give a child’.

 

In another family, only her elder brother in law was angry with his brother but the rest of the family said shariah allows 4 marriages. So what if he has remarried they asked. Another victim says her in-laws favoured their son. They said he disliked her and so he remarried. What is wrong with that?

 

In Tamil Nadu his parents said that he never took care of them nor listened to them. He does not even stay with them. They were not aware of his second marriage. They said she is the first person to tell her about their son’s remarriage and that they too are shocked. It is not their fault and they are not responsible for it. In another case her in-laws were under the control of their son. They could not do anything for her.

 

Now let us look at some of the reasons given by the husband justifying his second marriage. Men have remarried because they have fallen in love with another woman. In one case in Odisha the man warned his first wife that if he does not give him permission to remarry he will divorce her and then remarry. To which she relented and gave permission. In Karnataka one man says he is in love with a widow. The larger society calls her a prostitute so he wants to marry her. He also loves her and she believes in him and is dependent on him so how can he leave her.

 

One marriage as per his liking and one marriage as per the liking of the parents. How convenient is that! In Mumbai the husband’s parents did not like her and so made their son marry another woman as per their choice. He came to her after a month and told her that he was forced into marriage by his parents. They said if did not marry as per their choice they would not give him his share of the property. He was forced into marriage. She forgave him because she did not have a choice. In a reverse case the husband blames her parents for his second marriage. He did not get enough dowry from them so he harassed and beat her up and remarried

 

Marriage in our country, does it even go beyond looks and physical characteristics! In Madhya Pradesh one man said that he remarried because he does not like her and that she is thin and dark. Another woman was dark and short and he wanted to marry someone of his choice. Another said he hates her because she is short and that she does not have knowledge and not mentally grown. Another said that she is not fit for him.

 

In Karnataka one man say he tortures and beats her up because that is his right as a husband. And he beats her up because she wants to go to her parents’ house every time and he does not like her attitude. Since she anyway faces his violence, it is ok if he remarries. Going off to mother’s house is another man’s complaint and the reason for his remarriage.

 

Let us look at some statistics. Out of the 250 women interviewed for the study, 35% of the husbands gave the reason that they fell in love with someone else, 11% gave the reason of not having children, 11% were not happy with her body [too dark, too fat, too thin etc.], 6% said they remarried to support a widow or divorcee, 12% said their parents asked them to, 4% said their wives were bed-ridden, 10% blamed their first wives and 6% remarried because they wanted a son.

 

BMMA has been demanding a comprehensively codified family law, but till such time, although piecemeal, polygamy must end legally so that Muslim women have legal protection and Muslim men realize that they cannot remain above the law all the time.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection

THE HOW, WHEN, WHERE OF POLYGAMY

 

THE HOW, WHEN, WHERE OF POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

For many reasons, this short study of 250 Muslim women is interesting as it throws up facts which so far have not been documented. One of the questions asked to the respondent was: How did she come to know about her husband’s remarriage? Given below are the answers, throwing light on the fragility of human morality and the questions about ethics in human transactions.

 

In one instance the wife came to know about her husband’s marriage from his friend who tried to justify by saying that he loves the other woman. He even cajoled her into giving him the permission to remarry which of course he was not waiting for. He remarried anyway. He even said he will get over the new woman and come back to her. (aurat rahe so utne din rahti uske baad o chali jaati). Her husband had multiple affairs and was never loyal to her. After marriage the quarrels increased but she did not inform her parents. He left her eventually and stayed with the other woman.

 

Violence is common amongst most of the victims of polygamy, whether the marriage is of their choice or the choice of their parents. In one instance which was a love marriage, the violence was so much that she lost both her children in her womb. Her in-laws were good and even castigate their son about his violent ways. He did not listen and remarried saying that he did not like her and that she is too thin and dark.

 

Another instance of love marriage in Mumbai where after 4 months of courtship they decided to get married. He did not inform his parents. They stayed separately as his parents were against the marriage. Initial days her husband was good to her but as pressure from his parents increased he stopped coming to meet her. After 2 years under the pressure and influence of his family he married another woman. They had chosen the girl for him. She was staying with them. After one month he told his first wife that he has remarried. Where did all the love go? It could not withstand parental pressures.

 

In one case both the first and second wives were cheated. Each did not know about the other. In this case the first wife faced a lot of violence. He was always drunk and violent. And he remarried when their daughter was 6 years of age. His second wife was also very poor. With a small child she could not have stayed alone. So she compromised on the issue of his marriage. Now both stay separately. Husbands don’t even consider pregnancy. In one instance, the husband remarried when his wife was pregnant. Even after a happy beginning the husband finds some reason for second marriage.

 

In another instance, woman and her husband were happy. He worked as a hawker. They were poor but happy. They had 4 children, one out of which was physically challenged. One fine day her started to act difficult. He did not talk to her properly. When she would talk to him he would say he has nothing to do with her. After some days he stopped coming home. When she checked she came to know that he married a girl. He was staying with her.

 

Another woman’s parents were happy at the time of her marriage as her marriage was happening very late. In turned out that because she could not conceive her husband was made to remarry. Her husband and her in-laws were very hot tempered. They kept telling her that he will be married off since she cannot conceive. She lost one child when it was just 3 months old. Out of fear she did all household work. She would not even to go her parent’s home out of this fear that if she goes then he might not come to take her back. After some days he said talaak thrice and threw her out of the house. After a month he remarried. He did not give her any maintenance. She did not even get her mehr back.

 

In one instance her husband got into a relationship with a woman. He would meet her. And they got close. After 20 years of marriage he remarried. On the other hand, another woman’s husband married after five months of her marriage. His parents made him marry another woman. He married his cousin. They did not inform her nor took her permission. She came to know from others about his marriage.

 

A victim in Odisha used to stay in a slum and did domestic work. She was very poor. Because of poverty she could not study. She got a proposal for marriage from a big family and they liked her. Her parents said yes because they thought their daughter would be happy. He had said that he had divorced his first wife. The reason he married her was because he did not have children from the first marriage. After marriage she came to know that her husband had not divorced his first wife. He used to go to her also.

 

Another respondent shared that she was married at the age of 17. They had money and a good house. Since she lost her father early, her family expenses were managed by her brother. After marriage she came to know that her husband’s character was not good. He was a drunkard and of loose character. His family never told him anything because he bore all the expenses of the family. She told this to her mother but she said everything will be alright. She said, ‘do you want to come back and listen to the taunts of your Bhabhi [sister-in-law]?’ She had a daughter after 3 years of marriage and life went on.

 

Another victim shares that her husband asked her to learn English so that he can tell others that he has an educated wife. On the floor below stayed a teacher who taught English in school. She asked her to teach her English. Her husband fell in love with this English teacher. They met secretly. She suspected something and they fought over it. One night she did not sleep and kept an eye on him. She followed him to the terrace at 4 in the morning. She went behind him and started screaming loudly and gathered everyone as soon as she saw him with the English teacher.

 

A victim in Tamil Nadu came to know about her husband’s second marriage through her neighbor. They said it is not the case that your husband has gone to another city for work, he has gone there to remarry. Another victim from Tamil Nadu was returning from a family function when she saw him with his second wife. She was shocked to see him directly.

 

In another instance, her husband had already married another woman without informing her. One day he got angry and said that he hates her and that he will marry another woman. Then he took her to dargah by train. In the middle of the journey he went somewhere. She kept searching for him. But she realized that he had left her alone in the train. She did not have a single paisa on her. She approached a TC and cried. He was kind enough to make her sit with passengers of her village and she went back with them.

 

In all cases the common emotion was they felt cheated when they first came to know of his marriage. One of them said, ‘Mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayee’. ‘ I felt as if the ground below me gave way’. Only in one case it was the husband who informed his wife about his second marriage. In another case it was her brother. But in most cases it was either the neighbours, relatives, his friends.

 

To end with numbers, out of the 250 respondents, only 23% informed the wife about their second marriage. A large number, 72% came to know through family or external sources like neighbours or friends. And 90% said their permission was not sought.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection