TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

Article 5 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

In this article we will look at various other aspects of a polygamous relationship that throws light on human psychology, psyche of a man and patriarchal impacts on the relationship. We asked women what was the gap between their husband’s first and second marriage. The idea was to see what time span passes before a man decides to marry another woman.

26% of men remarried within the first three years, pointing toward early marital dissatisfaction or pre-existing relationships. Either they knew their second wife before marrying the first wife or they fell in love as we see in the 40% of the cases. Three years is also not a long enough time to establish a bond with your wife especially if it is an arranged set up. In an arranged marriage, the bride and the groom, do not even meet or see each other before marriage. All decisions are taken by the parents. It could be that there was no bond established at all. A man can walk out of a relationship or enter into a new one, but the cultural socialization of a woman forces her to remain where she is.

In many cases the decision is not entirely by husband alone. Parents may not be happy about the dowry received, they expected an early male child, son’s love marriage with the first wife or general unhappiness or high expectations. Marriages bring jewellery, gifts, material stuff. For some, remarriages are a source of income. Husband and the family may not be happy with the income thus earned.

Marrying a complete stranger may take a lot of time for bonds to get established and not everyone has the patience or the skills to make it work, especially when you are child bride or groom or very young adult. They may not have the skills or the understanding of how to communicate, understand conflicts or have skills to resolve the conflict. Husband’s family is also not the right physical space for the conflict to be resolved. His parents will mostly always be sympathetic to their son. Remarriage for the husband then is much easier than working towards resolving conflict or talking it out with his wife.

It could be that there was an existing relationship before the first marriage. Family pressure made him marry his first wife and his own will made him marry the original woman of his choice. Although his first love, it lands up becoming his second marriage. But atleast he did what he always wanted to do. Sadly, that option is not available for the woman.

Although not discussed too openly, sex could play a role in the man moving towards a second marriage. There are high expectations and myths associated with sexual activity and young couple may be completely at sea about it. There is no pre-marital support and information from the family, there is no communication between the couple and total lack of sexual health awareness.

Men migrate for work from one state to another, one city to another leaving behind one family. He is then free to set up his own home in another city. First wife left behind may find herself in hostile family environment but he gets to get away from it all.

Young girls today have changed and they may not be willing to adjust, compromise, sacrifice for the new family. She wants a partner who shows love and care and it able to respect her. Young boys have still not learnt to do that. Young bride may be completely unwilling to cook and feed large families or compromise on her career or live in joint families where she has no say. Early fights and conflicts then become inevitable. Again, the man gets to get away from it all through another marriage.

The slightly larger group (30%) reported that their husbands remarried after more than eight years of marriage, showing that many men entered second marriages later in life, often after the first family was established. It could also be indicative of probably the bond already being established but there is no love and affection. At this stage, the marriage has stabilized, couple are aware of each other’s habits, nature and temperament. They are now aware of their own unmet needs, dynamics with other members of the family, emotional disconnect, financial concerns, fertility issues and dissatisfaction at multiple levels. The family has either added to the damage or has tried to help but have failed to keep the couple together.

After 8 years the husband has mostly achieved a certain financially stability which then gives him the confidence to start another family. He may be genuinely be wanting to maintain both families but is unable to do so. May be the second marriage appears lucrative with fresh dowry or the second wife may be an earning woman.

Also divorce could be cumbersome now with triple divorce no longer available as an option. He may have to compensate his first wife if he goes ahead with the divorce. Remarriage is cheaper especially if he does not have to maintain his first family out of sheer irresponsibility.

It is also possible that the wife must be infertile or suffering from chronic illness requiring regular medication. It is then a burden on the husband and setting up another family seems to be an easy way out.

All the above reasons get validated because all these reasons get reflected in the study in some way or the other. We have looked into the intricacies of these marriages not just in terms of the reasons of multiple marriages but also in terms of its nuanced impact. The least we can do is bring in legislative prohibition to in some way impact the social narrative of polygamy.

 

 

 

PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

 

PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

Article 4 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

Muslim community has created an illusion that husband has to take the first wife’s permission to marry the second time. It is touted as some obligation and espoused as being so fair and just. How dare he do it without asking? He is supposed to take permission. It is such an honorable thing to do, the asking.

As if a woman will happily and willingly cut a branch on which she is sitting. But he must ask. That is the sign of a good man, a thinking man, a sensitive man. Asking or seeking permission before remarrying is touted as Islamic but there is no mention of wife’s permission in the Quran. The permission aspect comes from the fact that a wife can stipulate a condition in her nikaahnama that he cannot or should not take another wife. Some classical fiqh literature too have highlighted this aspect.

Having said that let us see the ground reality. Overwhelming majority (88%) were not consulted. This shows a serious disregard for the first wife’s consent, despite the fact that in Islamic law, transparency and fairness are required in polygamous marriages. It reflects a pattern of unilateral decision-making by husbands and limited marital agency for women. There is lack of transparency, serious breach of trust and marital communication which deeply affects the first wife’s emotional, social and economic well-being.

Only 12%, a very small proportion of husbands sought the wife’s approval before remarrying, possibly indicating more egalitarian relationships or higher legal/religious awareness among these families. It hints at some degree of respect for the wife but it does not imply consent. Informing is not even consulting, let alone consenting.

These findings highlight systemic gender inequality and lack of enforcement of women’s rights in marital practices. Emotional, financial, and social consequences for first wives are significant when such decisions are made without their involvement.

Consent in polygamous marriages is largely symbolic rather than real, reinforcing women’s lack of control over marital dynamics. This underscores the need for stronger legal safeguards and community awareness to ensure women’s consent and dignity are respected.

These numbers underscore systemic marginalization of first wives within the practice of polygamy. They point to a need for institutional reforms—for instance, requiring documented consent before a second marriage is legally or religiously validated.

Least that a wife deserves is that she is informed about his second marriage, if not taken permission from. Here too the Muslim men fail. 85% of first wives were not even informed before their husbands remarried. Transparency and consent are both extremely low — together suggesting women’s voices are often disregarded in marital decisions. This reinforces the urgent need for legal literacy, marriage registration awareness, and stronger procedural protections for women’s consent in polygamous contexts.

A majority of the second wives were informed (68%). They entered marriage knowing their husbands were already married. There is some degree of openness and may indicate that second marriages occur with some awareness or acceptance of husband’s marital status.

However, nearly one-third of second wives were misled (32%). They were in the dark about the husband’s previous marriage. This is deception and fraud leading to emotional trauma and potential legal/religious complications once the truth emerges.

Among first wives, only 15% were informed about their husbands’ plans to remarry and among second wives, 68% were informed about the first marriage. Together, these reveal a pattern of asymmetrical information. Husbands are more likely to be transparent with second wives than with first wives. The least a man can do is inform but even that is not done. While the first wife’s awareness of her husband is taken for granted, the second wife’s awareness is more often sought — perhaps because concealing a prior marriage becomes more difficult socially or legally. The data show that second wives experience relatively higher autonomy in terms of information before marriage and yet, a substantial 32% still enter marriages under false pretences, which raises ethical and legal concerns around misrepresentation. Men use transparency selectively, based on whatever suits them and is convenient.

One would wonder why would a woman want to marry an already married man. We spoke to the second wives and sought their thoughts on it. Two very compelling reasons came forth from the second wives. Nearly 40% married because they fell in love and the other 40% were forced to be the second wife by their parents. Though much less but 11% were manipulated by the husband to marry her. So emotional attachment was the dominant factor. Many second wives entered the marriage out of affection despite social and moral complexities. Near equal to those who married for love, were those who were forced. This reflects deep family and community control over women’s marital choices. With the 11% it indicates coercion or manipulation, where consent is compromised, reflecting serious power imbalances.

There is a near equal split between love (39.6%) and family pressure (39.4%). reveals a tension between personal choice and patriarchal control. Emotional vulnerability and social pressure are both significant drivers of women’s entry into polygamous marriages. Over half (51%) of second wives experienced either coercion or lack of full awareness, questioning the validity of their consent. Only 5% of cases involved the first wife’s explicit consent, suggesting that polygamy was rarely mutual or consensual between co-wives.

If we take family pressure [39.4], force by men [11.4] and deception [22.5] then 73% of second wives had no active consent to being the second wife. Which means most second marriages are a fraud, deception and coercion. Inspite of being aware [68%] they did succumb to the second marriage. Which means awareness is not necessarily an agency which a woman applies for herself and for the benefit of her future.

It would be interesting to unpack ‘love’ as nearly 40% second wives married out of love. It could mean economic security, emotional attachment, attraction and sexual drive. Comparing it with the data on the age of marriage of the second wives, 70% married between 18-30 years and 17% between 30-40 years reflecting that second marriages occur a bit late in life. It could imply that it was a well thought out decision of the second wife, especially of those who fell in love [40%]

Those who were coerced by family [39.4%] and forced by men [11.4%], more than 50% inspite of their majority age could not resist that force. Being above 18, does not ensure self-confidence, self-awareness, ability to resist coercion, agency and ability to deny consent. Looking at the data on how many were asked for consent by the qazi [97% were asked consent and 94% signed] one wonders what happened to this important tool of Islamic marriage framework, consent. It also implies that having rules favouring women also do not ensure its usage. The agency of a Muslim woman to say ‘NO’ when asked at the time of marriage is severely compromised. A girl child who has not been taught to say ‘no’ earlier on, will not be able to muster courage at the time of marriage. She also learnt to live with coercion, pressure and forced consent for every important decision in her life.

So how did she come to know of his second marriage? For the first wives only 15% were informed directly by their husbands, showing that majority of first wives (85%) learned indirectly, highlighting secrecy and lack of transparency. The most common sources were “others” (25%) and family members (20%), suggesting that community or social circles often reveal such information rather than the husband himself. Only 2% of first wives personally discovered it, indicating that many were kept in the dark.

For the second wives a contrasting picture emerges — 68% were directly informed by the husband, indicating greater openness toward the second marriage. Around 10–13% were informed through family or parents, showing partial family involvement or consent. Very few second wives (only 2–6%) found out through neighbours or others, which implies that the second marriage is often disclosed within controlled circles.

The data reveals a double standard in communication. Husbands tend to hide the second marriage from the first wife while disclosing it to the second. This suggests lack of honesty and emotional consideration toward the first wife and more negotiation or transparency in the case of the second marriage. It also points to patriarchal control over information flow, where the husband decides who “needs to know.”

Overall, one gets a sense of deception, lies, manipulation and dishonesty. So much of the energy of families go into sustaining this charade. How can a community prosper with so much getting utilized for maintaining a deception?

 

POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

 

POLYGAMY AND TOXIC MASCULINITY

Article 3 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

This study throws up some interesting data about men, though not very surprising. We wanted to know a bit more about the man who enter into polygamous marriage. We could get the data about the men through the wives whom we interviewed. It would have been interesting to talk to men but that is the limitation of this study that we could not speak to them directly. So all information about the men are through the wives.

Age

A small percentage (9%) were married before the age of 21. But a majority of husbands (59%) were 21–30 years old, a typical age range for first marriages. Only a small proportion were very young, which is less than 21 years or older than 40. Most husbands (74%) were 21–30 years old, reflecting typical age alignment in first marriages. Very few husbands were older than 40 (1%), indicating first marriages mostly involve younger men.

A larger proportion of husbands were older (31–40 years: 46%; above 41: 10%) in second marriages. Only 3% were below 21 years, and 40% were 21–30 years. This suggests second marriages often involve older husbands, possibly due to remarriage after divorce or widowhood.

First marriages involve younger husbands (21–30 years) predominantly. Second marriages involve older husbands (31–40 and above), reflecting age differences and remarriage patterns. This may indicate greater age disparity in second marriages, which could have social and economic implications.

Education

A majority of husbands (60%) have education only up to 10th standard or below. This includes 21% with no schooling and 16% below Std 7th, suggesting widespread limited formal education among men in polygamous marriages.

Around 19% completed Std 10–12, showing some presence of secondary education but not enough to mark higher educational achievement.

Only 16% of men attained undergraduate or higher degrees, indicating that polygamy cuts across lower-education groups predominantly.

The first wives’ husbands are slightly more represented in the “Std 7th–10th” category (25%) compared to second wives’ husbands (21%), implying that first marriages may occur earlier or with slightly better-educated men. The education gap between first and second wives’ husbands is minimal, showing similar socio-educational backgrounds across both marriages.

About 2–3% of women did not know their husband’s education — possibly due to communication gaps or secrecy in marital contexts, especially among second wives.

The data suggests a correlation between low male education levels and polygamous practices. Lower education often links to traditional gender norms, economic instability, and social acceptance of multiple marriages.

Income

A majority of husbands (around 66%) had an income below ₹20,000 per month at the time of marriage. This reflects that polygamous marriages are most prevalent among lower-income groups.

6% (133 men) had income below 1,000 or no income at all — indicating marriages occurring even when men were financially unstable or dependent. Such marriages may rely on family support or informal work, suggesting economic vulnerability at the household level.

Around 34% of the husbands fell in this range 10,000–20,000 showing a slight upward mobility, but still within the lower-middle-class segment. These income levels likely correlate with daily wage, small business, or service sector jobs.

Only 17% of husbands earned ₹20,000 or above, highlighting limited participation of affluent men in polygamous marriages. However, among second wives, a slightly higher proportion (23%) belonged to the ₹20,000+ bracket, suggesting that some better-earning men contract second marriages.

First wives were generally married to men with lower income ranges (5,000–15,000). Second wives show a slightly higher income distribution, particularly in the 20,000–40,000 and above 40,000 categories. This might imply that men remarry after financial improvement or use higher income to justify/afford a second marriage. 17% of women did not know their husband’s income, showing lack of financial transparency, especially in patriarchal setups or marriages with unequal communication and power dynamics.

BMMA’s study has been with women from poor segment of the Muslim society. As we saw in the above data, men in polygamous marriages are also often young, low-income and less educated. What possibly could be the reasons for men to still enter another marriage which in some way also increases their stress and responsibility.

Men who marry young often do not have a choose their partner. His partner is decided by the family. In the Muslim community, in some groups, first-cousin marriages are common. Caste, sect, class considerations also matter. The parents think it is their sole right to decide the marriage partner for their son. As we saw earlier, 59% married between 21-30. In our experience in the communities, we find that a large majority are married before 25 years of age. This age does not warrant financial independence. We saw earlier that 66% earned below 20,000 at the time of their marriage. With lack of emotional maturity, lack of financial resources and not much of education to back up [60% upto 10^th class or below] and neither employable skills, early marriage for men also does no good. Men this young mostly join their father’s business or join family business as runners or side supporter. They learn the tricks of the trade while the family supports him and his wife. This also increases their dependence on the dowry that the wife brings in. Most often the expenses of the wedding are also borne by the girls’ family. Since mostly the choices are imposed by the parents, when the time comes for the husband to take a partner of his choice, he does not hesitate. Since the first one is not of his choice, he also tends to neglect his responsibility towards her. This reflects also a limited exposure to gendered understanding, lack of honest and open communication with parents, lack of exposure to the world outside and hence other possibilities.

Boys in the Muslim communities, as in all other communities, grow up to feel entitled to the privileges that come with being a male species. There is a defiance of sorts where he believes he can do what he wants. Understanding of marriage as a partnership of two people, of love and care, of understanding and adjustments is absent. Instead, is a toxic masculinity that only understands controlling women. She must obey him, look after his parents, obey them as well and generally behave like a glorified servant. Close to 40% men have justified second marriage simply by reiterating the sanction by religion, without knowing the context in which it was sanctioned and with total disregard to the ethical framework of Islam which requires women-men relationships to be governed by love, care, peace and kindness. It is like saying, ‘since I can do it, let me do it’. Not having a law prohibiting second marriage is like an added incentive. It is the inability to see the woman as a human being, as someone who thinks and feels and has an opinion. The understanding that women are sub human and are only meant to follow orders like a robot just makes it easier and guilt free.

Seen from the data that men give more mehr to the second wife, it does not deter them to have a second wife. He also gets less dowry. But still prefers to go ahead with an added responsibility. That is also because the first wife responsibility is washed off his hands. Again data shows first wife starts to depend on her parents for survival. So, it is not that his responsibility is increasing. In fact, he ensures that his one responsibility goes away so that he takes the second one.

Marriage registration is a weak area in our country. There is no accountability. Marriage then becomes a private affair. There is no need to disclose, make it formal and legal. There is also no shame attached to second marriage. In fact, it is like a badge of honour.

There is a need to reach out to men with the objective of inculcating in them a gendered perspective. Can we begin a process where they are able to reject the toxicity attached to being a man? Can we do something to make them more human, more sensitive, more vulnerable? Can we make them see women as human beings, as a thinking and feeling person and not a robot? A big demand but the time has come. Polygamy is not just a religious issue, it is about patriarchy, it is about women’s rights, it is about being human, it is about education and awareness and assertion of a woman’s legal and constitutional rights.

 

RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

 

RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

Article 2 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who have been survivors of polygamy. Other than revealing the opinion and experience of Muslim women on their marital status, the study also threw up information about other aspects. In this article we discuss the issue of Mehr and Dowry. 

The lived reality of Muslim women in India is in sharp contrast to these Quranic injunctions and ethical values espoused in marital relationships, especially in connection with Mehr, a legal requirement for the Muslim marriage to be solemnized.

Based on the study, Breaking the Silence, in which BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who were victims of polygamy, we found the status of mehr in these women’s lives.

93% of the 2508 respondents did not receive any mehr at all. As seen above it is an important condition of marriage and an extremely important financial provision for women at the time of marriage. In India where arranged marriages are a norm, having a good amount of money at the time of marriage is a big support and security to women who move into a stranger’s house, sometimes far away from her maternal home. But see the number above and mehr payment is a joke. It is a mere number in her nikaahnama. The amounts given also do not serve the purpose for which they are meant. Either women do not receive it or they get it reluctantly at the time of divorce. At the time of widowhood, she is forced to forgive mehr which the dead husband owes her.

If we compare the amounts received by the first and the second wife, 61.4% of the first wife did not receive mehr whereas 32% of second wife did not receive the mehr. Was the second wife bribed into the marriage by actually getting a mehr, never mind if it was meagre? 22.2% received less than Rs. 5000/-. 6.9% of the second wife got more than Rs. 40,000 compared to 4.2% of the first wife. Does the second wife tend to gain more? Only a small fraction received substantial mehr which is more than 20,000 i.e. 11.4%. 13.9% received ₹786, a very nominal amount, and 21% received less than ₹5,000. High Mehr, more than 40,000 is rare (4.2%), likely reserved for well-off households or special circumstances.

30.5% of 2508 respondents received Rs. 786/- as mehr amount. Rs. 5000/- seems to be the favourite. 43.2% received Rs. 5000/- and 27.6% received amounts between Rs. 5000/- and 10,000/-. The slightly lucky ones, 11% received Rs. 40,000 and above.

What does it mean for women? It means that financial security of women is limited, as mehr is often unpaid or nominal, leaving first wives economically vulnerable. The high proportion with no mehr may affect widowhood, divorce, or widow support, particularly in households with multiple wives.

32% of second wives received no mehr, compared to 61.4% of first wives. This indicates second wives are more likely to receive at least some mehr, possibly due to formalized arrangements in subsequent marriages.

Second wives generally receive more Mehr than first wives. While the majority still receive low amounts, second wives may have slightly better financial security, possibly because second marriages often involve explicit financial agreements.

First wives are disproportionately disadvantaged, with over 60% receiving nothing. High-value mehr is rare in both groups, showing systemic financial vulnerability of women in marital settlements.

Indian Muslim women are not just Muslims that we would be only worrying about mehr. Dowry plays an important role in Muslim marriages. In this study on polygamy and studying the lives of women impacted by polygamy, the data on dowry turns out to be intriguing. Out of the 2500 women interviewed, first wives comprised of 1419 respondents and 1089 respondents were second wives. 18% of first wife did not give dowry and 47% of second wives did not give dowry. The second wife clearly gains by not giving as much dowry as the first wife.

Furthermore, 26 first wives gave over 10 lakh worth dowry compared to just 8 second wives. While 47% of the first wives have given dowry between Rs. 50000 to Rs. 2 lakh, only 23% of second wives have given a similar amount.

The first wife stands to lose by giving more dowry and getting less mehr as compared to the second wife.

In most communities including the Muslims, especially in the lower socio-economic strata, first marriages are arranged by the parents in a traditional way where dowry expectations are normalized. Boys’ family ask and the girls family pay. The elders in the family take decisions on behalf of the bride and the groom. Patriarchy weighs heavy in these family transactions where the girl’s family feels obligated to give dowry. It is tied up to their status and the rush and the hurry to marry off the daughters, considering that she is a burden to be released as early as possible. Asking for a good mehr for their daughter also is not encouraged. Asking for a good mehr can also push away potential ‘good’ boys. Getting girls married at a young age also pushes parents to compromise on mehr and give big dowry. So, dowry drains the girls’ family and enriches the boys’ family. Giving less mehr is a gain to the boy’s family. So dowry becomes a substantial pay out to the boys and mehr remains symbolic and minimal. Patriarchy does show itself up in such ways where money and resources are concerned.

Contrast this with second marriages where it is not negotiated by the parents but by the groom himself. It is usually secretive, done on the sly and in a hurry. There some bit of shame attached as it cannot be done in the same lavish way as the first marriage. It remains a negotiation between two individuals and not two families. Second wife also has not much of dowry in her own capacity to pay him. Her parents may not want the pomp and show which adds to unnecessary expenses. The husband may also want to downplay dowry as he is doing it in hiding and may not want anyone to know about it through a big guest list or by insisting on a big dowry. The second wife probably insists on a bigger mehr as a protection against an insecure, secretive set up.

The second wife as we see in the study is also more in a position to negotiate if she knows he is already married. She negotiates directly probably.

By the time the husband remarries which is mostly between 3-8 years of his first marriage, he is also more mature and older. He is out of the control of his parents. He is financially more stable and more confident to take his own decisions. He may not demand more dowry because he may not need it as a pre condition to marriage and maybe he is in a better position financially to pay more mehr.

Another insight we get is that when families negotiate the commercials of a marriage, the woman loses. She pays more and gets less. Families and patriarchy feed into each other. They pay more and get the burden of the girl off their chest. But when the girl gets to negotiate her marriage herself, the second wife in the context of our study, she negotiates for herself in which case she gets a better mehr and pays lesser dowry.

Let us look at the Quranic verses linked to Mehr and thereby the ethical perspective attached to it and contrast it with the data above and see how hollow our claims are to be devout and faithful Muslims.

4:19 O You who have chosen to be graced with belief! It is not lawful for you to force women into marrying or holding on to them in marriage against their will. Pressuring women to remain in wedlock by threatening to take away the marital gift is forbidden. A wife could forfeit the right to the marital gift only if she has indulged in clear lewdness. You shall treat your wives nicely. Even if you dislike them, it may happen that God has placed much good in what you have failed to realize.

On mehr the verse is very clear that it is not ok to pressurize women to remain in the marriage by threatening to take away the mehr. He cannot ask for the mehr back. Only she can give up and that too only if she is in the wrong. It also exhorts men to not keep a woman in marriage against her will and treat her nicely even if he may not be liking her as much. It is a clear instruction to men to treat mehr as her right and only she decides what she does with it.

2:236 There is no blame on you if you nullify the marriage before consummation or fixation of the marital gift. Give them a generous gift, the wealthy according to his means and the poor according to his means. This gift is a binding duty on all those who wish to be counted among the benefactors of humanity. 2:237 And if unexpected circumstances lead you to divorce women before you have intimately touched them, but after the marital gift has been fixed, give them half the amount unless they volunteer to forgo it. If the move for divorce originates from you, let her have the whole portion. If you men forgo it, it is closer to righteousness. O People! Never forget kindness among yourselves. Verily, God is Seer of all you do.

Mehr is a duty of the man if he wants to be amongst those who benefit humanity. This elevates the mehr giving to be his sacred duty enjoined by Allah. It is to be treated as a generous gift based on his capacity. It is due to his wife even if the marriage is not consummated. Men is asked to pay half if there is divorce before consummation. And if the divorce is his demand then he has to pay the full mehr. He is asked to forego it and show kindness. There are other verses which constantly emphasize on giving a handsome amount as gift with kindness.

4:4 Upon marriage, give women their marital gifts, a generous portion of your property, unless they forgo it voluntarily. In that case you are welcome to accept it as rightfully yours.

The verse addresses men and asks them to give a big portion of mehr. This is a legal obligation owed to the wife. It is not just an obligation but a generous gift to be given graciously. The concept of ‘gift’ goes against the idea of an exchange which the classic jurists have implied; exchange of wife’s obedience to him providing maintenance. A gift is a gift to be given with love and a big heart and not a commercial transaction.

The marriage itself is a partnership of two people in Islam bound by love, care and happiness. In this marriage, mehr is a gracious gift to a partner who is socially and economically vulnerable. It is a legal right rooted in care for the partner and in a mindset of ‘giving’. Converting a gift into a legal obligation by husband and a legal right by wife, stationed in the overall bond of solemnity and equality, is Islam’s way of ensuring the legal right to women wrapped in dignity and justice.

It is to be noted also that these verses are addressed to the men. Also if we look at the preceding verse, men are instructed to marry widows and later instructed not to indulge in polygamy at all. The underlying narrative is of justice and to view the relationship with dignity and care.

Across all the verses, mehr is a graciously given abundant gift and a legal obligation with clear instructions of not taking it back.

What Islam demands of Muslims and what Muslims do to themselves is there for us to see in the data above. Critical self-reflection is the need of the hour.

COMMUNITY IN A RUSH TO MARRY OFF DAUGHTERS

 

Community In A Rush To Marry Off Daughters

Article 1 

Based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808  

BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who have been survivors of polygamy. Other than revealing the opinion and experience of Muslim women on their marital status, the study also threw up information about other aspects. In this article we discuss the age, education and income of Muslim women.

Age of Marriage

This study captured the views of Muslim women who at the time of study were mainly in the age group of 30-50. We checked with them the age at which they got married. Out of the first wives, 24% were married before the age of 18 and 11% of the second wives were married before the age of 18. If we combine both figures then 36% of the total respondents were married before the age of 18. To put it in plain words, 36% of women were child brides.

If we compare the numbers of the first and second wife, we can see that the first wife has the disadvantage. She gets married earlier than the second wife. First marriages are more prone to early marriage. When parents chose a wife for their son, they choose someone who is below 18 or someone who has just cleared that age. But when the same man chooses a second wife for himself, she is not a child but mostly an adult. While 25% of first wives were a minor when they got married, less than half, 11% of the second wife were minors. Second marriage of the husband usually happens with a woman who is an adult. We see here that the first wife suffers and is a victim of child marriage more than the second wife of the same husband. Child marriage is more common among first wives than second wives.

36% while still is a big number reflecting early marriage, it is also heartening to see increasing number of adult marriages. Here too we see that the second wife tends to marry in adulthood more than the first wife. In both the groups, i.e. the first and second wife, a majority of them marry as adults which is 18-30 years. This is positive as it is showing some alignment of the community with the legal and social norms. It also aligns with our own experience while working in the community that we see an increasing number of young women studying beyond class 12. If we compare these figures with our previous study ‘Seeking Justice Within Family Law, released in 2015, almost a decade earlier, we see that than the rate of child marriage was almost 55%.  https://notionpress.com/in/read/seeking-justice-within-family

BMMA has been proposing the comprehensive codification of Muslim family law so that there is an increasing alignment with legal provisions. The Prohibition of Child Marriages Act, 2006 is applicable to all citizens of India but there is confusion and a misunderstanding that it is not applicable to the Muslim community. No citizen of the country is prohibited from accessing any law of the country but given the hold of the clerics within the Muslim community and misinformed police which believes that certain laws are not applicable to the Muslim community, most from the community are not aware of the law and many wrongly believe that it does not apply to them. Hence it is important that a specific mention be made in the codified Muslim family law that in case of child marriage, the PCMA can be evoked.

Education

A large majority (66%) of women had education levels up to 10th standard or below at the time of marriage. 20% completed Std 11th–12th, indicating a moderate segment who had exposure to higher secondary education but did not progress to college. Only 12% of women reached undergraduate or higher levels (graduate, postgraduate, diploma, vocational). A significant number, 21% have not gone to school at all and vocational and skill-based education is even more miniscule with only 1%, pointing to very limited avenues for employment or self-reliance.

If we compare the numbers of the first and second wives then we see that the second wives tend to be marginally better educated at the time of marriage, possibly reflecting changing educational opportunities over time or men choosing somewhat more educated partners for later marriages.

The data underscores that education for women remains a neglected area, especially in communities where polygamy is practiced. Early marriage, poverty, and patriarchal norms likely contribute to low female educational attainment. The low education level of women, coupled with early marriage, can perpetuate economic dependency and social vulnerability. Women with lesser education are often less aware of their legal and marital rights, making them more susceptible to marital instability and acceptance of polygamy.

If we combine 66% women who are either 10^th class or below and 21% who have not gone to school at all, then a whopping 87% enter marriage without any significant educational empowerment.

Income At The Time Of Marriage

79% of women had no income at the time of marriage, highlighting economic dependence from the outset of marriage. Only small fractions (less than 15%) had any substantial earnings before marriage. Even higher proportion (84%) of first wives had no income at marriage. Very few had moderate or high income, indicating economic dependence starts early, especially for first wives. 73% of second wives had no income, slightly lower than first wives. Higher proportions are seen in 1000–10,000 range (16%), suggesting second wives may have had slightly more earning opportunities before marriage.

Now let us combine all the figures above. 36% are child brides and 21% have not gone to school and 79% have no income at the time of marriage. And that leads to the title of this article, what is the rush? Why are Muslim parents in a great hurry to marry their daughters so weak and disempowered? Does the conventional, time tested explanation for early marriage still stays or more reasons can now be added? Does it have anything to do with being a Muslim or the issue is community-neutral?

A disempowered girl/woman, underage, illiterate, poor is then burdened with polygamy. While she is still coping with marriage at such a young age, she faces an emotional bolt in the form of her husband’s second marriage. While data clearly shows that the first wife tends to suffer more, it is needless to say that both are equally vulnerable and disempowered.  What is the family gaining by this inhumanity? Our youth are so vulnerable, weak and disempowered and then we burden them with marriage and accompanied responsibility. What is wrong with us? What will push us out of this slumber?