REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

 

REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

If polygamy was not so hurtful, it would be a fascinating insight into the human psyche. Look below at some of the reasons given by the husband and his family to justify polygamy. Patriarchy remains an overarching reason, but greed, insensitivity, inhumanness, selfishness, greed, ego, immorality and many more of such human frailties surface.

 

A study done by BMMA, 'Status of Women in Polygamous Marriages and the Need for Legal Protection, published by Notion Press in December 2022, revealed some of these frailties through the eyes of the victim/survivor. Women who suffer polygamy tend to be in a state of shock initially but soon gather themselves to witness the most basest human emotion - crass, uncaring and immoral. They enter the marital relationship in vulnerability and remain in it as polygamy remains one of the reasons for that vulnerability.

 

This study brought out the reasons why a man gets into another marriage in the subsistance of his first marriage. It also brought forth justifications given by the husband's family to cover up for the act of their son. In most cases as expected the in-laws of the victim supported their son. In most cases they also knew that their son has remarried. In fact in one instance they blamed the woman for signing a letter which was actually a permission for his remarriage. In another instance they said wife must bear the violence and insults and if she does not then the husband will marry.

 

In one case she was beaten up by her husband and made to run away from his house. Depressed and dejected she came back to her in-laws. They told her that they cannot do anything about this and that she should take her children and go away wherever she can. That they have now nothing to do with her. When she refused to leave the house, they beat her up so much that she lost consciousness.

 

In one instance the parents of the daughter confronted the in-laws. Her in-laws told them that they cannot keep their daughter as they have decided to marry off their son somewhere else. Her mother asked them what her daughter’s fault was. They said their daughter is barren. Who will carry the name of their son? They asked her mother to leave. They said why can’t we marry our son again? We will get him married the third time. Her mother cried but nothing moved them. They came back home and after two days her belongings also came back. In another instance they said they cannot afford to bear her and her children’s expenses.

 

In Mumbai the victims says her in-laws had anyways not accepted her. So she was not welcome there. They called her son also illegitimate. That is why they married him off so that she cannot come to their house. In another case too in- laws did not like her. They never supported her. For them she did not exist at all. The second wife was as per their wishes. She was also poor and did not have anyone to speak on her behalf.

 

In another case her in-laws refused to give her share of the property where she was staying with her children. When the will was made her name was missing. They said as long as we are staying in this house, she will also have to stay there. So her husband left her and her in-laws did not give her the share in the matrimonial home.

 

In Odisha the victim checked with her mother in law who confirmed that her son has remarried. She said ‘so what if he has not divorced her. He is keeping you happy. He has married you so that you can give a child’.

 

In another family, only her elder brother in law was angry with his brother but the rest of the family said shariah allows 4 marriages. So what if he has remarried they asked. Another victim says her in-laws favoured their son. They said he disliked her and so he remarried. What is wrong with that?

 

In Tamil Nadu his parents said that he never took care of them nor listened to them. He does not even stay with them. They were not aware of his second marriage. They said she is the first person to tell her about their son’s remarriage and that they too are shocked. It is not their fault and they are not responsible for it. In another case her in-laws were under the control of their son. They could not do anything for her.

 

Now let us look at some of the reasons given by the husband justifying his second marriage. Men have remarried because they have fallen in love with another woman. In one case in Odisha the man warned his first wife that if he does not give him permission to remarry he will divorce her and then remarry. To which she relented and gave permission. In Karnataka one man says he is in love with a widow. The larger society calls her a prostitute so he wants to marry her. He also loves her and she believes in him and is dependent on him so how can he leave her.

 

One marriage as per his liking and one marriage as per the liking of the parents. How convenient is that! In Mumbai the husband’s parents did not like her and so made their son marry another woman as per their choice. He came to her after a month and told her that he was forced into marriage by his parents. They said if did not marry as per their choice they would not give him his share of the property. He was forced into marriage. She forgave him because she did not have a choice. In a reverse case the husband blames her parents for his second marriage. He did not get enough dowry from them so he harassed and beat her up and remarried

 

Marriage in our country, does it even go beyond looks and physical characteristics! In Madhya Pradesh one man said that he remarried because he does not like her and that she is thin and dark. Another woman was dark and short and he wanted to marry someone of his choice. Another said he hates her because she is short and that she does not have knowledge and not mentally grown. Another said that she is not fit for him.

 

In Karnataka one man say he tortures and beats her up because that is his right as a husband. And he beats her up because she wants to go to her parents’ house every time and he does not like her attitude. Since she anyway faces his violence, it is ok if he remarries. Going off to mother’s house is another man’s complaint and the reason for his remarriage.

 

Let us look at some statistics. Out of the 250 women interviewed for the study, 35% of the husbands gave the reason that they fell in love with someone else, 11% gave the reason of not having children, 11% were not happy with her body [too dark, too fat, too thin etc.], 6% said they remarried to support a widow or divorcee, 12% said their parents asked them to, 4% said their wives were bed-ridden, 10% blamed their first wives and 6% remarried because they wanted a son.

 

BMMA has been demanding a comprehensively codified family law, but till such time, although piecemeal, polygamy must end legally so that Muslim women have legal protection and Muslim men realize that they cannot remain above the law all the time.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection

THE HOW, WHEN, WHERE OF POLYGAMY

 

THE HOW, WHEN, WHERE OF POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

For many reasons, this short study of 250 Muslim women is interesting as it throws up facts which so far have not been documented. One of the questions asked to the respondent was: How did she come to know about her husband’s remarriage? Given below are the answers, throwing light on the fragility of human morality and the questions about ethics in human transactions.

 

In one instance the wife came to know about her husband’s marriage from his friend who tried to justify by saying that he loves the other woman. He even cajoled her into giving him the permission to remarry which of course he was not waiting for. He remarried anyway. He even said he will get over the new woman and come back to her. (aurat rahe so utne din rahti uske baad o chali jaati). Her husband had multiple affairs and was never loyal to her. After marriage the quarrels increased but she did not inform her parents. He left her eventually and stayed with the other woman.

 

Violence is common amongst most of the victims of polygamy, whether the marriage is of their choice or the choice of their parents. In one instance which was a love marriage, the violence was so much that she lost both her children in her womb. Her in-laws were good and even castigate their son about his violent ways. He did not listen and remarried saying that he did not like her and that she is too thin and dark.

 

Another instance of love marriage in Mumbai where after 4 months of courtship they decided to get married. He did not inform his parents. They stayed separately as his parents were against the marriage. Initial days her husband was good to her but as pressure from his parents increased he stopped coming to meet her. After 2 years under the pressure and influence of his family he married another woman. They had chosen the girl for him. She was staying with them. After one month he told his first wife that he has remarried. Where did all the love go? It could not withstand parental pressures.

 

In one case both the first and second wives were cheated. Each did not know about the other. In this case the first wife faced a lot of violence. He was always drunk and violent. And he remarried when their daughter was 6 years of age. His second wife was also very poor. With a small child she could not have stayed alone. So she compromised on the issue of his marriage. Now both stay separately. Husbands don’t even consider pregnancy. In one instance, the husband remarried when his wife was pregnant. Even after a happy beginning the husband finds some reason for second marriage.

 

In another instance, woman and her husband were happy. He worked as a hawker. They were poor but happy. They had 4 children, one out of which was physically challenged. One fine day her started to act difficult. He did not talk to her properly. When she would talk to him he would say he has nothing to do with her. After some days he stopped coming home. When she checked she came to know that he married a girl. He was staying with her.

 

Another woman’s parents were happy at the time of her marriage as her marriage was happening very late. In turned out that because she could not conceive her husband was made to remarry. Her husband and her in-laws were very hot tempered. They kept telling her that he will be married off since she cannot conceive. She lost one child when it was just 3 months old. Out of fear she did all household work. She would not even to go her parent’s home out of this fear that if she goes then he might not come to take her back. After some days he said talaak thrice and threw her out of the house. After a month he remarried. He did not give her any maintenance. She did not even get her mehr back.

 

In one instance her husband got into a relationship with a woman. He would meet her. And they got close. After 20 years of marriage he remarried. On the other hand, another woman’s husband married after five months of her marriage. His parents made him marry another woman. He married his cousin. They did not inform her nor took her permission. She came to know from others about his marriage.

 

A victim in Odisha used to stay in a slum and did domestic work. She was very poor. Because of poverty she could not study. She got a proposal for marriage from a big family and they liked her. Her parents said yes because they thought their daughter would be happy. He had said that he had divorced his first wife. The reason he married her was because he did not have children from the first marriage. After marriage she came to know that her husband had not divorced his first wife. He used to go to her also.

 

Another respondent shared that she was married at the age of 17. They had money and a good house. Since she lost her father early, her family expenses were managed by her brother. After marriage she came to know that her husband’s character was not good. He was a drunkard and of loose character. His family never told him anything because he bore all the expenses of the family. She told this to her mother but she said everything will be alright. She said, ‘do you want to come back and listen to the taunts of your Bhabhi [sister-in-law]?’ She had a daughter after 3 years of marriage and life went on.

 

Another victim shares that her husband asked her to learn English so that he can tell others that he has an educated wife. On the floor below stayed a teacher who taught English in school. She asked her to teach her English. Her husband fell in love with this English teacher. They met secretly. She suspected something and they fought over it. One night she did not sleep and kept an eye on him. She followed him to the terrace at 4 in the morning. She went behind him and started screaming loudly and gathered everyone as soon as she saw him with the English teacher.

 

A victim in Tamil Nadu came to know about her husband’s second marriage through her neighbor. They said it is not the case that your husband has gone to another city for work, he has gone there to remarry. Another victim from Tamil Nadu was returning from a family function when she saw him with his second wife. She was shocked to see him directly.

 

In another instance, her husband had already married another woman without informing her. One day he got angry and said that he hates her and that he will marry another woman. Then he took her to dargah by train. In the middle of the journey he went somewhere. She kept searching for him. But she realized that he had left her alone in the train. She did not have a single paisa on her. She approached a TC and cried. He was kind enough to make her sit with passengers of her village and she went back with them.

 

In all cases the common emotion was they felt cheated when they first came to know of his marriage. One of them said, ‘Mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayee’. ‘ I felt as if the ground below me gave way’. Only in one case it was the husband who informed his wife about his second marriage. In another case it was her brother. But in most cases it was either the neighbours, relatives, his friends.

 

To end with numbers, out of the 250 respondents, only 23% informed the wife about their second marriage. A large number, 72% came to know through family or external sources like neighbours or friends. And 90% said their permission was not sought.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection