THE HOW,
WHEN, WHERE OF POLYGAMY
Dr.
Noorjehan Safia Niaz
For many reasons, this short
study of 250 Muslim women is interesting as it throws up facts which so far
have not been documented. One of the questions asked to the respondent was: How
did she come to know about her husband’s remarriage? Given below are the
answers, throwing light on the fragility of human morality and the questions
about ethics in human transactions.
In one instance the wife came to
know about her husband’s marriage from his friend who tried to justify by
saying that he loves the other woman. He even cajoled her into giving him the
permission to remarry which of course he was not waiting for. He remarried
anyway. He even said he will get over the new woman and come back to her. (aurat
rahe so utne din rahti uske baad o chali jaati). Her husband had multiple
affairs and was never loyal to her. After marriage the quarrels increased but
she did not inform her parents. He left her eventually and stayed with the
other woman.
Violence is common amongst most
of the victims of polygamy, whether the marriage is of their choice or the
choice of their parents. In one instance which was a love marriage, the
violence was so much that she lost both her children in her womb. Her in-laws
were good and even castigate their son about his violent ways. He did not
listen and remarried saying that he did not like her and that she is too thin
and dark.
Another instance of love marriage
in Mumbai where after 4 months of courtship they decided to get married. He did
not inform his parents. They stayed separately as his parents were against the
marriage. Initial days her husband was good to her but as pressure from his
parents increased he stopped coming to meet her. After 2 years under the
pressure and influence of his family he married another woman. They had chosen
the girl for him. She was staying with them. After one month he told his first
wife that he has remarried. Where did all the love go? It could not withstand
parental pressures.
In one case both the first and
second wives were cheated. Each did not know about the other. In this case the
first wife faced a lot of violence. He was always drunk and violent. And he
remarried when their daughter was 6 years of age. His second wife was also very
poor. With a small child she could not have stayed alone. So she compromised on
the issue of his marriage. Now both stay separately. Husbands don’t even
consider pregnancy. In one instance, the husband remarried when his wife was
pregnant. Even after a happy beginning the husband finds some reason for second
marriage.
In another instance, woman and
her husband were happy. He worked as a hawker. They were poor but happy. They
had 4 children, one out of which was physically challenged. One fine day her
started to act difficult. He did not talk to her properly. When she would talk
to him he would say he has nothing to do with her. After some days he stopped
coming home. When she checked she came to know that he married a girl. He was
staying with her.
Another woman’s parents were
happy at the time of her marriage as her marriage was happening very late. In
turned out that because she could not conceive her husband was made to remarry.
Her husband and her in-laws were very hot tempered. They kept telling her that
he will be married off since she cannot conceive. She lost one child when it
was just 3 months old. Out of fear she did all household work. She would not
even to go her parent’s home out of this fear that if she goes then he might
not come to take her back. After some days he said talaak thrice and threw her
out of the house. After a month he remarried. He did not give her any
maintenance. She did not even get her mehr back.
In one instance her husband got
into a relationship with a woman. He would meet her. And they got close. After
20 years of marriage he remarried. On the other hand, another woman’s husband
married after five months of her marriage. His parents made him marry another
woman. He married his cousin. They did not inform her nor took her permission.
She came to know from others about his marriage.
A victim in Odisha used to stay
in a slum and did domestic work. She was very poor. Because of poverty she
could not study. She got a proposal for marriage from a big family and they
liked her. Her parents said yes because they thought their daughter would be
happy. He had said that he had divorced his first wife. The reason he married
her was because he did not have children from the first marriage. After marriage
she came to know that her husband had not divorced his first wife. He used to
go to her also.
Another respondent shared that
she was married at the age of 17. They had money and a good house. Since she
lost her father early, her family expenses were managed by her brother. After
marriage she came to know that her husband’s character was not good. He was a
drunkard and of loose character. His family never told him anything because he
bore all the expenses of the family. She told this to her mother but she said
everything will be alright. She said, ‘do you want to come back and listen to
the taunts of your Bhabhi [sister-in-law]?’ She had a daughter after 3 years of
marriage and life went on.
Another victim shares that her
husband asked her to learn English so that he can tell others that he has an
educated wife. On the floor below stayed a teacher who taught English in
school. She asked her to teach her English. Her husband fell in love with this
English teacher. They met secretly. She suspected something and they fought
over it. One night she did not sleep and kept an eye on him. She followed him
to the terrace at 4 in the morning. She went behind him and started screaming
loudly and gathered everyone as soon as she saw him with the English teacher.
A victim in Tamil Nadu came to
know about her husband’s second marriage through her neighbor. They said it is
not the case that your husband has gone to another city for work, he has gone
there to remarry. Another victim from Tamil Nadu was returning from a family
function when she saw him with his second wife. She was shocked to see him
directly.
In another instance, her husband
had already married another woman without informing her. One day he got angry
and said that he hates her and that he will marry another woman. Then he took
her to dargah by train. In the middle of the journey he went somewhere. She
kept searching for him. But she realized that he had left her alone in the
train. She did not have a single paisa on her. She approached a TC and cried.
He was kind enough to make her sit with passengers of her village and she went
back with them.
In all cases the common emotion
was they felt cheated when they first came to know of his marriage. One of them
said, ‘Mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayee’. ‘ I felt as if the ground
below me gave way’. Only in one case it was the husband who informed his wife
about his second marriage. In another case it was her brother. But in most
cases it was either the neighbours, relatives, his friends.
To end with numbers, out of the
250 respondents, only 23% informed the wife about their second marriage. A
large number, 72% came to know through family or external sources like
neighbours or friends. And 90% said their permission was not sought.
See the full report:
https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection
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