REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

 

REASONS MEN AND HIS FAMILY GIVE TO JUSTIFY POLYGAMY

Dr. Noorjehan Safia Niaz

 

If polygamy was not so hurtful, it would be a fascinating insight into the human psyche. Look below at some of the reasons given by the husband and his family to justify polygamy. Patriarchy remains an overarching reason, but greed, insensitivity, inhumanness, selfishness, greed, ego, immorality and many more of such human frailties surface.

 

A study done by BMMA, 'Status of Women in Polygamous Marriages and the Need for Legal Protection, published by Notion Press in December 2022, revealed some of these frailties through the eyes of the victim/survivor. Women who suffer polygamy tend to be in a state of shock initially but soon gather themselves to witness the most basest human emotion - crass, uncaring and immoral. They enter the marital relationship in vulnerability and remain in it as polygamy remains one of the reasons for that vulnerability.

 

This study brought out the reasons why a man gets into another marriage in the subsistance of his first marriage. It also brought forth justifications given by the husband's family to cover up for the act of their son. In most cases as expected the in-laws of the victim supported their son. In most cases they also knew that their son has remarried. In fact in one instance they blamed the woman for signing a letter which was actually a permission for his remarriage. In another instance they said wife must bear the violence and insults and if she does not then the husband will marry.

 

In one case she was beaten up by her husband and made to run away from his house. Depressed and dejected she came back to her in-laws. They told her that they cannot do anything about this and that she should take her children and go away wherever she can. That they have now nothing to do with her. When she refused to leave the house, they beat her up so much that she lost consciousness.

 

In one instance the parents of the daughter confronted the in-laws. Her in-laws told them that they cannot keep their daughter as they have decided to marry off their son somewhere else. Her mother asked them what her daughter’s fault was. They said their daughter is barren. Who will carry the name of their son? They asked her mother to leave. They said why can’t we marry our son again? We will get him married the third time. Her mother cried but nothing moved them. They came back home and after two days her belongings also came back. In another instance they said they cannot afford to bear her and her children’s expenses.

 

In Mumbai the victims says her in-laws had anyways not accepted her. So she was not welcome there. They called her son also illegitimate. That is why they married him off so that she cannot come to their house. In another case too in- laws did not like her. They never supported her. For them she did not exist at all. The second wife was as per their wishes. She was also poor and did not have anyone to speak on her behalf.

 

In another case her in-laws refused to give her share of the property where she was staying with her children. When the will was made her name was missing. They said as long as we are staying in this house, she will also have to stay there. So her husband left her and her in-laws did not give her the share in the matrimonial home.

 

In Odisha the victim checked with her mother in law who confirmed that her son has remarried. She said ‘so what if he has not divorced her. He is keeping you happy. He has married you so that you can give a child’.

 

In another family, only her elder brother in law was angry with his brother but the rest of the family said shariah allows 4 marriages. So what if he has remarried they asked. Another victim says her in-laws favoured their son. They said he disliked her and so he remarried. What is wrong with that?

 

In Tamil Nadu his parents said that he never took care of them nor listened to them. He does not even stay with them. They were not aware of his second marriage. They said she is the first person to tell her about their son’s remarriage and that they too are shocked. It is not their fault and they are not responsible for it. In another case her in-laws were under the control of their son. They could not do anything for her.

 

Now let us look at some of the reasons given by the husband justifying his second marriage. Men have remarried because they have fallen in love with another woman. In one case in Odisha the man warned his first wife that if he does not give him permission to remarry he will divorce her and then remarry. To which she relented and gave permission. In Karnataka one man says he is in love with a widow. The larger society calls her a prostitute so he wants to marry her. He also loves her and she believes in him and is dependent on him so how can he leave her.

 

One marriage as per his liking and one marriage as per the liking of the parents. How convenient is that! In Mumbai the husband’s parents did not like her and so made their son marry another woman as per their choice. He came to her after a month and told her that he was forced into marriage by his parents. They said if did not marry as per their choice they would not give him his share of the property. He was forced into marriage. She forgave him because she did not have a choice. In a reverse case the husband blames her parents for his second marriage. He did not get enough dowry from them so he harassed and beat her up and remarried

 

Marriage in our country, does it even go beyond looks and physical characteristics! In Madhya Pradesh one man said that he remarried because he does not like her and that she is thin and dark. Another woman was dark and short and he wanted to marry someone of his choice. Another said he hates her because she is short and that she does not have knowledge and not mentally grown. Another said that she is not fit for him.

 

In Karnataka one man say he tortures and beats her up because that is his right as a husband. And he beats her up because she wants to go to her parents’ house every time and he does not like her attitude. Since she anyway faces his violence, it is ok if he remarries. Going off to mother’s house is another man’s complaint and the reason for his remarriage.

 

Let us look at some statistics. Out of the 250 women interviewed for the study, 35% of the husbands gave the reason that they fell in love with someone else, 11% gave the reason of not having children, 11% were not happy with her body [too dark, too fat, too thin etc.], 6% said they remarried to support a widow or divorcee, 12% said their parents asked them to, 4% said their wives were bed-ridden, 10% blamed their first wives and 6% remarried because they wanted a son.

 

BMMA has been demanding a comprehensively codified family law, but till such time, although piecemeal, polygamy must end legally so that Muslim women have legal protection and Muslim men realize that they cannot remain above the law all the time.

 

See the full report:

https://notionpress.com/read/status-of-women-in-polygamous-marriages-and-need-for-legal-protection