TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

TIMELINES OF SECOND MARRIAGE

Article 5 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

In this article we will look at various other aspects of a polygamous relationship that throws light on human psychology, psyche of a man and patriarchal impacts on the relationship. We asked women what was the gap between their husband’s first and second marriage. The idea was to see what time span passes before a man decides to marry another woman.

26% of men remarried within the first three years, pointing toward early marital dissatisfaction or pre-existing relationships. Either they knew their second wife before marrying the first wife or they fell in love as we see in the 40% of the cases. Three years is also not a long enough time to establish a bond with your wife especially if it is an arranged set up. In an arranged marriage, the bride and the groom, do not even meet or see each other before marriage. All decisions are taken by the parents. It could be that there was no bond established at all. A man can walk out of a relationship or enter into a new one, but the cultural socialization of a woman forces her to remain where she is.

In many cases the decision is not entirely by husband alone. Parents may not be happy about the dowry received, they expected an early male child, son’s love marriage with the first wife or general unhappiness or high expectations. Marriages bring jewellery, gifts, material stuff. For some, remarriages are a source of income. Husband and the family may not be happy with the income thus earned.

Marrying a complete stranger may take a lot of time for bonds to get established and not everyone has the patience or the skills to make it work, especially when you are child bride or groom or very young adult. They may not have the skills or the understanding of how to communicate, understand conflicts or have skills to resolve the conflict. Husband’s family is also not the right physical space for the conflict to be resolved. His parents will mostly always be sympathetic to their son. Remarriage for the husband then is much easier than working towards resolving conflict or talking it out with his wife.

It could be that there was an existing relationship before the first marriage. Family pressure made him marry his first wife and his own will made him marry the original woman of his choice. Although his first love, it lands up becoming his second marriage. But atleast he did what he always wanted to do. Sadly, that option is not available for the woman.

Although not discussed too openly, sex could play a role in the man moving towards a second marriage. There are high expectations and myths associated with sexual activity and young couple may be completely at sea about it. There is no pre-marital support and information from the family, there is no communication between the couple and total lack of sexual health awareness.

Men migrate for work from one state to another, one city to another leaving behind one family. He is then free to set up his own home in another city. First wife left behind may find herself in hostile family environment but he gets to get away from it all.

Young girls today have changed and they may not be willing to adjust, compromise, sacrifice for the new family. She wants a partner who shows love and care and it able to respect her. Young boys have still not learnt to do that. Young bride may be completely unwilling to cook and feed large families or compromise on her career or live in joint families where she has no say. Early fights and conflicts then become inevitable. Again, the man gets to get away from it all through another marriage.

The slightly larger group (30%) reported that their husbands remarried after more than eight years of marriage, showing that many men entered second marriages later in life, often after the first family was established. It could also be indicative of probably the bond already being established but there is no love and affection. At this stage, the marriage has stabilized, couple are aware of each other’s habits, nature and temperament. They are now aware of their own unmet needs, dynamics with other members of the family, emotional disconnect, financial concerns, fertility issues and dissatisfaction at multiple levels. The family has either added to the damage or has tried to help but have failed to keep the couple together.

After 8 years the husband has mostly achieved a certain financially stability which then gives him the confidence to start another family. He may be genuinely be wanting to maintain both families but is unable to do so. May be the second marriage appears lucrative with fresh dowry or the second wife may be an earning woman.

Also divorce could be cumbersome now with triple divorce no longer available as an option. He may have to compensate his first wife if he goes ahead with the divorce. Remarriage is cheaper especially if he does not have to maintain his first family out of sheer irresponsibility.

It is also possible that the wife must be infertile or suffering from chronic illness requiring regular medication. It is then a burden on the husband and setting up another family seems to be an easy way out.

All the above reasons get validated because all these reasons get reflected in the study in some way or the other. We have looked into the intricacies of these marriages not just in terms of the reasons of multiple marriages but also in terms of its nuanced impact. The least we can do is bring in legislative prohibition to in some way impact the social narrative of polygamy.