PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

 

PERMISSION, INFORMATION, REASON AND POLYGAMY

Article 4 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

Muslim community has created an illusion that husband has to take the first wife’s permission to marry the second time. It is touted as some obligation and espoused as being so fair and just. How dare he do it without asking? He is supposed to take permission. It is such an honorable thing to do, the asking.

As if a woman will happily and willingly cut a branch on which she is sitting. But he must ask. That is the sign of a good man, a thinking man, a sensitive man. Asking or seeking permission before remarrying is touted as Islamic but there is no mention of wife’s permission in the Quran. The permission aspect comes from the fact that a wife can stipulate a condition in her nikaahnama that he cannot or should not take another wife. Some classical fiqh literature too have highlighted this aspect.

Having said that let us see the ground reality. Overwhelming majority (88%) were not consulted. This shows a serious disregard for the first wife’s consent, despite the fact that in Islamic law, transparency and fairness are required in polygamous marriages. It reflects a pattern of unilateral decision-making by husbands and limited marital agency for women. There is lack of transparency, serious breach of trust and marital communication which deeply affects the first wife’s emotional, social and economic well-being.

Only 12%, a very small proportion of husbands sought the wife’s approval before remarrying, possibly indicating more egalitarian relationships or higher legal/religious awareness among these families. It hints at some degree of respect for the wife but it does not imply consent. Informing is not even consulting, let alone consenting.

These findings highlight systemic gender inequality and lack of enforcement of women’s rights in marital practices. Emotional, financial, and social consequences for first wives are significant when such decisions are made without their involvement.

Consent in polygamous marriages is largely symbolic rather than real, reinforcing women’s lack of control over marital dynamics. This underscores the need for stronger legal safeguards and community awareness to ensure women’s consent and dignity are respected.

These numbers underscore systemic marginalization of first wives within the practice of polygamy. They point to a need for institutional reforms—for instance, requiring documented consent before a second marriage is legally or religiously validated.

Least that a wife deserves is that she is informed about his second marriage, if not taken permission from. Here too the Muslim men fail. 85% of first wives were not even informed before their husbands remarried. Transparency and consent are both extremely low — together suggesting women’s voices are often disregarded in marital decisions. This reinforces the urgent need for legal literacy, marriage registration awareness, and stronger procedural protections for women’s consent in polygamous contexts.

A majority of the second wives were informed (68%). They entered marriage knowing their husbands were already married. There is some degree of openness and may indicate that second marriages occur with some awareness or acceptance of husband’s marital status.

However, nearly one-third of second wives were misled (32%). They were in the dark about the husband’s previous marriage. This is deception and fraud leading to emotional trauma and potential legal/religious complications once the truth emerges.

Among first wives, only 15% were informed about their husbands’ plans to remarry and among second wives, 68% were informed about the first marriage. Together, these reveal a pattern of asymmetrical information. Husbands are more likely to be transparent with second wives than with first wives. The least a man can do is inform but even that is not done. While the first wife’s awareness of her husband is taken for granted, the second wife’s awareness is more often sought — perhaps because concealing a prior marriage becomes more difficult socially or legally. The data show that second wives experience relatively higher autonomy in terms of information before marriage and yet, a substantial 32% still enter marriages under false pretences, which raises ethical and legal concerns around misrepresentation. Men use transparency selectively, based on whatever suits them and is convenient.

One would wonder why would a woman want to marry an already married man. We spoke to the second wives and sought their thoughts on it. Two very compelling reasons came forth from the second wives. Nearly 40% married because they fell in love and the other 40% were forced to be the second wife by their parents. Though much less but 11% were manipulated by the husband to marry her. So emotional attachment was the dominant factor. Many second wives entered the marriage out of affection despite social and moral complexities. Near equal to those who married for love, were those who were forced. This reflects deep family and community control over women’s marital choices. With the 11% it indicates coercion or manipulation, where consent is compromised, reflecting serious power imbalances.

There is a near equal split between love (39.6%) and family pressure (39.4%). reveals a tension between personal choice and patriarchal control. Emotional vulnerability and social pressure are both significant drivers of women’s entry into polygamous marriages. Over half (51%) of second wives experienced either coercion or lack of full awareness, questioning the validity of their consent. Only 5% of cases involved the first wife’s explicit consent, suggesting that polygamy was rarely mutual or consensual between co-wives.

If we take family pressure [39.4], force by men [11.4] and deception [22.5] then 73% of second wives had no active consent to being the second wife. Which means most second marriages are a fraud, deception and coercion. Inspite of being aware [68%] they did succumb to the second marriage. Which means awareness is not necessarily an agency which a woman applies for herself and for the benefit of her future.

It would be interesting to unpack ‘love’ as nearly 40% second wives married out of love. It could mean economic security, emotional attachment, attraction and sexual drive. Comparing it with the data on the age of marriage of the second wives, 70% married between 18-30 years and 17% between 30-40 years reflecting that second marriages occur a bit late in life. It could imply that it was a well thought out decision of the second wife, especially of those who fell in love [40%]

Those who were coerced by family [39.4%] and forced by men [11.4%], more than 50% inspite of their majority age could not resist that force. Being above 18, does not ensure self-confidence, self-awareness, ability to resist coercion, agency and ability to deny consent. Looking at the data on how many were asked for consent by the qazi [97% were asked consent and 94% signed] one wonders what happened to this important tool of Islamic marriage framework, consent. It also implies that having rules favouring women also do not ensure its usage. The agency of a Muslim woman to say ‘NO’ when asked at the time of marriage is severely compromised. A girl child who has not been taught to say ‘no’ earlier on, will not be able to muster courage at the time of marriage. She also learnt to live with coercion, pressure and forced consent for every important decision in her life.

So how did she come to know of his second marriage? For the first wives only 15% were informed directly by their husbands, showing that majority of first wives (85%) learned indirectly, highlighting secrecy and lack of transparency. The most common sources were “others” (25%) and family members (20%), suggesting that community or social circles often reveal such information rather than the husband himself. Only 2% of first wives personally discovered it, indicating that many were kept in the dark.

For the second wives a contrasting picture emerges — 68% were directly informed by the husband, indicating greater openness toward the second marriage. Around 10–13% were informed through family or parents, showing partial family involvement or consent. Very few second wives (only 2–6%) found out through neighbours or others, which implies that the second marriage is often disclosed within controlled circles.

The data reveals a double standard in communication. Husbands tend to hide the second marriage from the first wife while disclosing it to the second. This suggests lack of honesty and emotional consideration toward the first wife and more negotiation or transparency in the case of the second marriage. It also points to patriarchal control over information flow, where the husband decides who “needs to know.”

Overall, one gets a sense of deception, lies, manipulation and dishonesty. So much of the energy of families go into sustaining this charade. How can a community prosper with so much getting utilized for maintaining a deception?