RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

 

RIGHTS AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE – DOES IT MEAN MORE DOWRY AND LESS MEHR?

Article 2 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808 

BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who have been survivors of polygamy. Other than revealing the opinion and experience of Muslim women on their marital status, the study also threw up information about other aspects. In this article we discuss the issue of Mehr and Dowry. 

The lived reality of Muslim women in India is in sharp contrast to these Quranic injunctions and ethical values espoused in marital relationships, especially in connection with Mehr, a legal requirement for the Muslim marriage to be solemnized.

Based on the study, Breaking the Silence, in which BMMA spoke to 2500 Muslim women who were victims of polygamy, we found the status of mehr in these women’s lives.

93% of the 2508 respondents did not receive any mehr at all. As seen above it is an important condition of marriage and an extremely important financial provision for women at the time of marriage. In India where arranged marriages are a norm, having a good amount of money at the time of marriage is a big support and security to women who move into a stranger’s house, sometimes far away from her maternal home. But see the number above and mehr payment is a joke. It is a mere number in her nikaahnama. The amounts given also do not serve the purpose for which they are meant. Either women do not receive it or they get it reluctantly at the time of divorce. At the time of widowhood, she is forced to forgive mehr which the dead husband owes her.

If we compare the amounts received by the first and the second wife, 61.4% of the first wife did not receive mehr whereas 32% of second wife did not receive the mehr. Was the second wife bribed into the marriage by actually getting a mehr, never mind if it was meagre? 22.2% received less than Rs. 5000/-. 6.9% of the second wife got more than Rs. 40,000 compared to 4.2% of the first wife. Does the second wife tend to gain more? Only a small fraction received substantial mehr which is more than 20,000 i.e. 11.4%. 13.9% received ₹786, a very nominal amount, and 21% received less than ₹5,000. High Mehr, more than 40,000 is rare (4.2%), likely reserved for well-off households or special circumstances.

30.5% of 2508 respondents received Rs. 786/- as mehr amount. Rs. 5000/- seems to be the favourite. 43.2% received Rs. 5000/- and 27.6% received amounts between Rs. 5000/- and 10,000/-. The slightly lucky ones, 11% received Rs. 40,000 and above.

What does it mean for women? It means that financial security of women is limited, as mehr is often unpaid or nominal, leaving first wives economically vulnerable. The high proportion with no mehr may affect widowhood, divorce, or widow support, particularly in households with multiple wives.

32% of second wives received no mehr, compared to 61.4% of first wives. This indicates second wives are more likely to receive at least some mehr, possibly due to formalized arrangements in subsequent marriages.

Second wives generally receive more Mehr than first wives. While the majority still receive low amounts, second wives may have slightly better financial security, possibly because second marriages often involve explicit financial agreements.

First wives are disproportionately disadvantaged, with over 60% receiving nothing. High-value mehr is rare in both groups, showing systemic financial vulnerability of women in marital settlements.

Indian Muslim women are not just Muslims that we would be only worrying about mehr. Dowry plays an important role in Muslim marriages. In this study on polygamy and studying the lives of women impacted by polygamy, the data on dowry turns out to be intriguing. Out of the 2500 women interviewed, first wives comprised of 1419 respondents and 1089 respondents were second wives. 18% of first wife did not give dowry and 47% of second wives did not give dowry. The second wife clearly gains by not giving as much dowry as the first wife.

Furthermore, 26 first wives gave over 10 lakh worth dowry compared to just 8 second wives. While 47% of the first wives have given dowry between Rs. 50000 to Rs. 2 lakh, only 23% of second wives have given a similar amount.

The first wife stands to lose by giving more dowry and getting less mehr as compared to the second wife.

In most communities including the Muslims, especially in the lower socio-economic strata, first marriages are arranged by the parents in a traditional way where dowry expectations are normalized. Boys’ family ask and the girls family pay. The elders in the family take decisions on behalf of the bride and the groom. Patriarchy weighs heavy in these family transactions where the girl’s family feels obligated to give dowry. It is tied up to their status and the rush and the hurry to marry off the daughters, considering that she is a burden to be released as early as possible. Asking for a good mehr for their daughter also is not encouraged. Asking for a good mehr can also push away potential ‘good’ boys. Getting girls married at a young age also pushes parents to compromise on mehr and give big dowry. So, dowry drains the girls’ family and enriches the boys’ family. Giving less mehr is a gain to the boy’s family. So dowry becomes a substantial pay out to the boys and mehr remains symbolic and minimal. Patriarchy does show itself up in such ways where money and resources are concerned.

Contrast this with second marriages where it is not negotiated by the parents but by the groom himself. It is usually secretive, done on the sly and in a hurry. There some bit of shame attached as it cannot be done in the same lavish way as the first marriage. It remains a negotiation between two individuals and not two families. Second wife also has not much of dowry in her own capacity to pay him. Her parents may not want the pomp and show which adds to unnecessary expenses. The husband may also want to downplay dowry as he is doing it in hiding and may not want anyone to know about it through a big guest list or by insisting on a big dowry. The second wife probably insists on a bigger mehr as a protection against an insecure, secretive set up.

The second wife as we see in the study is also more in a position to negotiate if she knows he is already married. She negotiates directly probably.

By the time the husband remarries which is mostly between 3-8 years of his first marriage, he is also more mature and older. He is out of the control of his parents. He is financially more stable and more confident to take his own decisions. He may not demand more dowry because he may not need it as a pre condition to marriage and maybe he is in a better position financially to pay more mehr.

Another insight we get is that when families negotiate the commercials of a marriage, the woman loses. She pays more and gets less. Families and patriarchy feed into each other. They pay more and get the burden of the girl off their chest. But when the girl gets to negotiate her marriage herself, the second wife in the context of our study, she negotiates for herself in which case she gets a better mehr and pays lesser dowry.

Let us look at the Quranic verses linked to Mehr and thereby the ethical perspective attached to it and contrast it with the data above and see how hollow our claims are to be devout and faithful Muslims.

4:19 O You who have chosen to be graced with belief! It is not lawful for you to force women into marrying or holding on to them in marriage against their will. Pressuring women to remain in wedlock by threatening to take away the marital gift is forbidden. A wife could forfeit the right to the marital gift only if she has indulged in clear lewdness. You shall treat your wives nicely. Even if you dislike them, it may happen that God has placed much good in what you have failed to realize.

On mehr the verse is very clear that it is not ok to pressurize women to remain in the marriage by threatening to take away the mehr. He cannot ask for the mehr back. Only she can give up and that too only if she is in the wrong. It also exhorts men to not keep a woman in marriage against her will and treat her nicely even if he may not be liking her as much. It is a clear instruction to men to treat mehr as her right and only she decides what she does with it.

2:236 There is no blame on you if you nullify the marriage before consummation or fixation of the marital gift. Give them a generous gift, the wealthy according to his means and the poor according to his means. This gift is a binding duty on all those who wish to be counted among the benefactors of humanity. 2:237 And if unexpected circumstances lead you to divorce women before you have intimately touched them, but after the marital gift has been fixed, give them half the amount unless they volunteer to forgo it. If the move for divorce originates from you, let her have the whole portion. If you men forgo it, it is closer to righteousness. O People! Never forget kindness among yourselves. Verily, God is Seer of all you do.

Mehr is a duty of the man if he wants to be amongst those who benefit humanity. This elevates the mehr giving to be his sacred duty enjoined by Allah. It is to be treated as a generous gift based on his capacity. It is due to his wife even if the marriage is not consummated. Men is asked to pay half if there is divorce before consummation. And if the divorce is his demand then he has to pay the full mehr. He is asked to forego it and show kindness. There are other verses which constantly emphasize on giving a handsome amount as gift with kindness.

4:4 Upon marriage, give women their marital gifts, a generous portion of your property, unless they forgo it voluntarily. In that case you are welcome to accept it as rightfully yours.

The verse addresses men and asks them to give a big portion of mehr. This is a legal obligation owed to the wife. It is not just an obligation but a generous gift to be given graciously. The concept of ‘gift’ goes against the idea of an exchange which the classic jurists have implied; exchange of wife’s obedience to him providing maintenance. A gift is a gift to be given with love and a big heart and not a commercial transaction.

The marriage itself is a partnership of two people in Islam bound by love, care and happiness. In this marriage, mehr is a gracious gift to a partner who is socially and economically vulnerable. It is a legal right rooted in care for the partner and in a mindset of ‘giving’. Converting a gift into a legal obligation by husband and a legal right by wife, stationed in the overall bond of solemnity and equality, is Islam’s way of ensuring the legal right to women wrapped in dignity and justice.

It is to be noted also that these verses are addressed to the men. Also if we look at the preceding verse, men are instructed to marry widows and later instructed not to indulge in polygamy at all. The underlying narrative is of justice and to view the relationship with dignity and care.

Across all the verses, mehr is a graciously given abundant gift and a legal obligation with clear instructions of not taking it back.

What Islam demands of Muslims and what Muslims do to themselves is there for us to see in the data above. Critical self-reflection is the need of the hour.