POLYGAMY
AND TOXIC MASCULINITY
Article 3 based on the data published by BMMA in ‘Breaking the Silence’ https://notionpress.com/in/read/breaking-the-silence-1410178808-1410178808
This
study throws up some interesting data about men, though not very surprising. We
wanted to know a bit more about the man who enter into polygamous marriage. We
could get the data about the men through the wives whom we interviewed. It
would have been interesting to talk to men but that is the limitation of this
study that we could not speak to them directly. So all information about the
men are through the wives.
Age
A small percentage (9%) were married before the
age of 21. But a majority of husbands (59%) were 21–30
years old, a typical age range for first marriages. Only a
small proportion were very young, which is less than 21 years or
older than 40. Most husbands (74%) were 21–30 years old,
reflecting typical age alignment in first marriages.
Very few husbands were older than 40 (1%), indicating first
marriages mostly involve younger men.
A larger proportion of husbands were older (31–40
years: 46%; above 41: 10%) in second marriages. Only 3% were below 21
years, and 40% were 21–30 years. This suggests second
marriages often involve older husbands, possibly due to remarriage
after divorce or widowhood.
First marriages involve
younger
husbands (21–30 years) predominantly. Second
marriages involve older husbands (31–40 and above),
reflecting age differences and remarriage patterns.
This may indicate greater age disparity in second marriages,
which could have social and economic implications.
Education
A majority
of husbands (60%) have education only up to 10th standard or below. This
includes 21% with no schooling
and 16% below Std 7th,
suggesting widespread limited formal education among men in polygamous
marriages.
Around 19% completed Std
10–12, showing some presence of secondary education but not enough to
mark higher educational achievement.
Only 16% of men
attained undergraduate or higher degrees, indicating that polygamy
cuts across lower-education groups predominantly.
The first wives’
husbands are slightly more represented in the “Std 7th–10th” category
(25%) compared to second wives’ husbands (21%), implying that
first marriages may occur earlier or with slightly better-educated men. The education
gap between first and second wives’ husbands is minimal, showing
similar socio-educational backgrounds across both marriages.
About 2–3% of women
did not know their husband’s education — possibly due to communication
gaps or secrecy in marital contexts, especially among second wives.
The data suggests a correlation
between low male education levels and polygamous practices. Lower
education often links to traditional gender norms, economic
instability, and social acceptance of multiple marriages.
Income
A majority of husbands (around 66%) had an income below ₹20,000 per month at
the time of marriage. This reflects that polygamous
marriages are most prevalent among lower-income groups.
6% (133 men)
had income below 1,000 or no income at all — indicating marriages occurring
even when men were financially unstable or dependent. Such marriages may rely
on family support or informal work, suggesting economic
vulnerability at the household level.
Around 34% of
the husbands fell in this range 10,000–20,000 showing a slight
upward mobility, but still within the lower-middle-class segment.
These income levels likely correlate with daily wage, small business,
or service sector jobs.
Only 17% of
husbands earned ₹20,000 or above, highlighting limited
participation of affluent men in polygamous marriages. However, among second
wives, a slightly higher proportion (23%) belonged to
the ₹20,000+ bracket, suggesting that some better-earning men contract
second marriages.
First wives
were generally married to men with lower income ranges (5,000–15,000).
Second wives show a slightly higher income distribution,
particularly in the 20,000–40,000 and above 40,000
categories. This might imply that men remarry after financial
improvement or use higher income to justify/afford a second
marriage. 17% of women did not know their husband’s income,
showing lack of financial transparency, especially in
patriarchal setups or marriages with unequal communication and power dynamics.
BMMA’s study has been with women
from poor segment of the Muslim society. As we saw in the above data, men in
polygamous marriages are also often young, low-income and less educated. What
possibly could be the reasons for men to still enter another marriage which in
some way also increases their stress and responsibility.
Men who marry young often do not
have a choose their partner. His partner is decided by the family. In the
Muslim community, in some groups, first-cousin marriages are common. Caste,
sect, class considerations also matter. The parents think it is their sole
right to decide the marriage partner for their son. As we saw earlier, 59%
married between 21-30. In our experience in the communities, we find that a
large majority are married before 25 years of age. This age does not warrant
financial independence. We saw earlier that 66% earned below 20,000 at the time
of their marriage. With lack of emotional maturity, lack of financial resources
and not much of education to back up [60% upto 10th class or below]
and neither employable skills, early marriage for men also does no good. Men
this young mostly join their father’s business or join family business as
runners or side supporter. They learn the tricks of the trade while the family
supports him and his wife. This also increases their dependence on the dowry
that the wife brings in. Most often the expenses of the wedding are also borne
by the girls’ family. Since mostly the choices are imposed by the parents, when
the time comes for the husband to take a partner of his choice, he does not
hesitate. Since the first one is not of his choice, he also tends to neglect
his responsibility towards her. This reflects also a limited exposure to
gendered understanding, lack of honest and open communication with parents,
lack of exposure to the world outside and hence other possibilities.
Boys in the Muslim communities,
as in all other communities, grow up to feel entitled to the privileges that
come with being a male species. There is a defiance of sorts where he believes
he can do what he wants. Understanding of marriage as a partnership of two
people, of love and care, of understanding and adjustments is absent. Instead,
is a toxic masculinity that only understands controlling women. She must obey
him, look after his parents, obey them as well and generally behave like a
glorified servant. Close to 40% men have justified second marriage simply by
reiterating the sanction by religion, without knowing the context in which it
was sanctioned and with total disregard to the ethical framework of Islam which
requires women-men relationships to be governed by love, care, peace and
kindness. It is like saying, ‘since I can do it, let me do it’. Not having a
law prohibiting second marriage is like an added incentive. It is the inability
to see the woman as a human being, as someone who thinks and feels and has an
opinion. The understanding that women are sub human and are only meant to
follow orders like a robot just makes it easier and guilt free.
Seen from the data that men give
more mehr to the second wife, it does not deter them to have a second wife. He
also gets less dowry. But still prefers to go ahead with an added
responsibility. That is also because the first wife responsibility is washed
off his hands. Again data shows first wife starts to depend on her parents for
survival. So, it is not that his responsibility is increasing. In fact, he
ensures that his one responsibility goes away so that he takes the second one.
Marriage registration is a weak
area in our country. There is no accountability. Marriage then becomes a
private affair. There is no need to disclose, make it formal and legal. There
is also no shame attached to second marriage. In fact, it is like a badge of
honour.
There is a need to reach out to
men with the objective of inculcating in them a gendered perspective. Can we
begin a process where they are able to reject the toxicity attached to being a
man? Can we do something to make them more human, more sensitive, more
vulnerable? Can we make them see women as human beings, as a thinking and
feeling person and not a robot? A big demand but the time has come. Polygamy is
not just a religious issue, it is about patriarchy, it is about women’s rights,
it is about being human, it is about education and awareness and assertion of a
woman’s legal and constitutional rights.
